Control Freak

I have a confession; this may or may not come as a shock to you. I am a control freak! A few months ago, Marcus and I had nursery together and somehow the conversation came up as to why I am single, he said YOU ARE A CONTROL FREAK. What did I do? Very angrily I defended myself; I am not a control freak. He said yes, yes you are. There it’s out! It has taken me months to come to terms with this. I don’t know why but this blog post has been plaguing me for a few weeks and I just don’t know what to type. I’m confident that God has a purpose for having me start this. So pardon me while I let word vomit spew from my fingers. As I am typing this my daughter is putting make up on me. And Noah is in his own little world—rearranging his room. For some reason, a part of the bible has really been nudging at me, calling out begging me to read it: Ephesians 5:22 ²² Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. This doesn’t say: Wives, forget who you are and lose every part of you, or Wives let your husband. It says love your husband as unto the Lord. It goes on and instructs husbands how to treat your wives. My biggest issue is I have been a single for so long, I find it hard to submit. Even when its God’s will. I find myself questioning God. We have conversations. Loud ones. They usually go something like this.

Me: I’m not so sure about this.

God: Child I wouldn’t have put you here if it weren’t for you.

M: What if I fail?

M: What if I sink?

M: What if I get hurt?

G: Seriously

This continues.

Then, finally after I admit defeat.

I do what I was asked to do in the first place.

It’s human nature. To question, to ponder to not want to comply. Eve rebelled. So it’s my nature right. Why does this plague me??? I find it so true. I am a control freak. My house has been a wreck for the better part of a week. Mainly because I rejoined the real world and have a job again.  Nothing is where it goes. I can’t find this or that. I’m use to my order. My perfect well controlled order. AND BLAM nothing is where its suppose to be. And I can barely function. I’m miserable, I can’t sleep, and I run around like a chicken with my head off. One of these days I will get my crap together and get back on top of things. That day is not today... hahahaha… Well it partly is. I came home cleaned my living room did the dishes did a load of laundry, (after I rewashed the same one I washed yesterday, that didn’t get dry). I fed my kids, and they are about to get a bath! I’m not a total failure today. The whole point of this was just for me to vent. I have a problem. I want to control every aspect of my life, and I can’t. I don’t have a divine hand to control any outside factors. I don’t have the ability to stop life and clean my house. I have to make it work. I have recently been reminded that life is fragile. And no one is promised a tomorrow. I’m practicing the relish today part. A week ago... I yelled at N for playing guitar. Because let’s face it a kid learning an instrument can be daunting and you get sick of hearing it its loud and I have ADHD I get distracted to easily. A week ago, I didn’t let E play with make up on my face, or her face for that matter. A week ago, well maybe three Brea did Es make up and she no lie looked like a bear. And I was embarrassed! We had to go into a store like that, what will people think? My kid looks like a bear that I don’t care about because I just let her go in the store like that. I freaked out. Amanda got onto me and said that’s how they learn. My thought was yea easy for you to say, your kid doesn’t look like a bear. She doesn’t have anything on her face. It looks like you love her. Did I say it? No will she read this? I hope so she’s my bestie. Do I need to apologize for my thought? Yes.  Have I learned from it? Yes! I guess this is it for the night.

Grief and Noah

 Noah doesn't process like I do. He's different. It's not bad, it's just different. Today I had to deliver the news that his first grade teacher had an accident and went to be with Jesus. Now this isn't the first loss he has ever experienced, and it won't be the last. Each time I have had to deliver this message I get a different response. Today he just stood there. And since he's my child I saw the look in his face. I knew what was about to happen but I was powerless to stop it. He was frozen. Time stood still. He finally went to his room to what I thought was play guitar. He picked some but then I hear quiet... Too quiet, he had shut the door. When I walked in he was sitting there quietly. I told him it's ok to cry. It's ok to know you will miss her and that you love her Ella was being completely insensitive and that made our situation worse! Noah and I were both crying. Talking about Jesus and Mrs Lindsey. If you know Noah at all, school was a huge challenge. He struggled in Kindergarden (before autism dx) but we were fortunate that our second year he got the same teacher so his 2nd year went a lot better. He doesn't cope with change to well. He's getting better. 1st grade started and he had Mrs Edwards and Mrs Lindsey was a student teacher in the class. Mrs Edwards had to take over a different class and somehow by some small miracle Noah loved Lindsey. He didn't have a single problem with the transition. It was still a pretty rough year tho. Lindsey stood by him though and loved him and us and helped us grow. It is now after 9 and my sweet boy is still upset. Understandably. He said momma she didn't get to do anything. She was so young. I said Noah she taught you. She helped shape you, and develop you. She did some of the best work that can be done and she loved it. No matter how much you say: she's in a better place, it doesn't take away the hurt, the pain, the tears. It's in your darkest hour you let people see the light inside you. I pray for her family in the days coming and I hope you do as well. In the meantime let this serve as a reminder make every moment count. Strive to not be so critical and show love to everyone you encounter. I myself held my babies a little tighter tonight. And made it a point to make sure the last thing they hear me say tonight is nothing but good from me, nothing but love. Every moment is precious and not guaranteed. Make the most of it. 

Random/VBS #1

For the second time in my life today, I was told that my children are my downfall. Its Fathers day. A day where we are suppose to lavish praise and adoration on the fathers of our children. Well since I have an obvious lack in that area. We spent the day with my parents. And as it always does my relationship status comes up. Why does this define who I am? Better yet why does this define my ability as a parent? I made the suggestion to someone, we will call him Fred. Anyway “Fred” said that I needed to find a man, preferably with a job to take care of me. I said ok if it means that much to you here you find me a man with a job that will take care of me. But he can’t be white. Because well every time I’ve tried to date a white person it doesn’t end well. Fred says yea because they find out you’ve been with a black man and don’t want anything to do with you. Is that really how this society that we live in is? I don’t have a problem with my children’s race. Why should I expect subpar relationships or treatment because I didn’t fit in the cookie cutter southern girl tray? And I’m not totally discrediting a white man. But the problem I have run into is this: I refuse to dummy down myself to be a perfect southern belle. I’m not an idiot and I REFUSE to act like imp some dingy blonde. I want a man I can spend my life talking to without having to break down my words. I want a man who is going to chase me, be enamored with me. I am passionately in love with me, and I have a few old school beliefs. For example. If a man wants to be a part of a woman’s life. He will pursue you. If I have to beg to spend time with someone. You obviously don’t want to be with me. Also, you can ask my friend Angie Weston. I utter the words; I hate to call because I don’t want to be a bother to anyone. She assures me it’s ok to call. Yet I still don’t. Because I don’t want to bother them. I also believe that if someone interests your man, and he becomes overly flattered it’s perfectly ok to say ok and walk away. If you can be tempted by a jezebel you weren’t mine to begin with…  What do you say to someone who says stuff like this? How do you come back? I mean no it is not my intention to stay single my whole life. I pray fervently that God will send the man he has designed for me into my life. But like my planting analogy. I tend to get in the way of Gods plan sometimes. Michelle has said that this dude needs to be in the front row of the church waving a sign that says “Shelly!! This IS your guy!!” and that’s probably true. Ok now that it’s written down. Moving on. Today was VBS kick off at CV-Baptist. This is not my home church but, for the third year. I was ask to help. Today while sitting in a church that is not my home church Mary Riley said VBS is not just for the kids and it hit me there. My testimony, coming to the Lord with a fully serving heart. Happened 3 years ago. In the back row of Cherry Valley Baptist Church. See I wasn’t living my life for the Lord. But someone and I don’t even remember who invited my kids to Vacation Bible School. It was like 3 hours long. And at the time I was living with Randall and we were fighting. Which was more often than not. So I didn’t want to go home. God had been weighing heavily on my heart. So I had bought a journal and decided that I was going to start writing out my prayers. I was in this back row writing in my book. And the first day no one bothered me. The second day a sweet woman named Mary came and checked on me. (wasn’t Mary riley and I have no idea what her last name is) anyway she basically invited me to help. Now this was not my church, in my mind normal churches accept help only from its members. That week went by and each day I was blessed. And I have not looked back since. I have formed a real relationship with Christ. This is the third year and I am honored to be ask to help. I absolutely love seeing all the children and love all the questions. Now I help at my home church too. But my walk with Christ. My path to righteousness started on the back row of a VBS rally. I encourage you to seek out Vacation Bible schools. Just stick around and absorb the spirit. Your life will be changed!

No Go Gardener!

For the past month or so i have been "growing" some seeds. Well some sprouted but they shot up to fast and then the stems were to weak so they died a slow painful death! I obviously don't have a green thumb ;). About a week ago in utter frustration I dumper all my carefully tended to little pots into the pot I had intended to transplant them to when they were a bit grown. See I had carefully tended to these plants. Separated seeds and bought tiny little biodegradable planters. It was a rough afternoon getting everything set up to plant. Then watering ohh my. I used a eye dropper because I didn't want to hurt my seeds. So I got frustrated after like the fourth little pot of sprouts died. Said forget it I give up on gardening. And I dumped them all out in the big pot and got a gallon of water and dumped it on them. Said forget it if they grow they grow if they don't well they don't. No harm no foul. Today I noticed a little green sprout and the kids counted 10 sprouts total. And I've been thinking, it's kinda like prayer. You know how you pray and pray and pray and nothing seems to be changing or happening. But the moment you give up on it and throw it up in Gods big pot things change. The point in praying is to depend on God. No amount of earthly cultivating can help you. I have a big problem of not praying things through. What if I'm just one prayer short. I also have a problem of praying for Gods divine help, then trying to fix it myself! Like meddling with the plants I'm interfering with Gods plan and course. How can I expect Him to work if I won't stop meddling? That's pretty much my thought for the night. To long for a FB post. So hey I'll blog it ;) 

Just another day

I have a lot to catch up on. There's been a lot going on. First and foremost. We had a LeBonheur  appointment last Friday. It went semi ok. It's still to be determined. We get to go spend a few days being tested.  Peachy! I'm excited, yet scared. So far here's what our new MD told us: his EEG is abnormal from a different area than it was. In a way that isn't indicative of seizures but it's odd enough that we will be tested! *sigh* good news: he will undergo a battery of tests and when we leave that place we will have answers! Yay! From the way he described the test he would be evaluated head to toe! So that's one hurdle conquered. Next hurdle? Divorce court on Wednesday. Now when I called legal aid, even though I'm in the situation I'm in. I'm not qualified for their help. So they refer me to a website that will prepare papers for you an you pay $165 to file them and you get divorced. This was the magic they told me. Not one person said your gonna have to actually know what your doing. I was told take it to the judge he will sign off on it and you'll be divorced! Oh happy day! I can do that. But that's not how it went down. I was totally unprepared. I had no clue what to say to obtain this divorce. After the third time the judge finally signed off on it. So I'm 1 week divorced today. Has anything changed? No not really because I was only legally married. I live alone with my littles. I'm not missing anyone. I just didn't want to be legally tied to him. And then there's the DATE. Which well went fantastic. I haven't met such a sweet caring person in a long time. I had fun! I choked on a chewy sweet tart. We watched a movie and battled sleep. I laughed! I enjoyed myself. You know you always hope you'll meet that guy that will hold the door open for you and make your leg pop like in the movies? Well it wasn't all sappy but it was comfortable. I wasn't nervous it wasn't crazy awkward. I hid my phone from myself and spent uninterrupted time with this guy! And now I keep getting ask. Is there gonna be a second date? Which I legitimately hadn't thought about. I mean I'm pretty sure there will be but we haven't like set a specific date again. We have talked everyday since the date, but I'm not investing to much into it. It was 1 date. Tomorrow Ella graduates from Kindergarden and I'm a bit sad. Because well she's my baby. And this year has flown by so fast :(! Summer hasn't even really started and already I'm pretty sure I'm on burn #5! Who does that? I'm not even a ginger and I use sunblock. I am just now able to not take Tylenol and not have fever. Literally I took some at about 2 and so far I'm fever free. I use sunblock. And I try not to stay out there to long. Pray for me. This is gonna be a treacherous summer at the rate I'm going! Sorry this post is so random. I just had a lot to throw out there! 

It’s a Date!

All day I have had things on my mind. You know that funny little picture going around about Ruth waiting for Boaz? To all women who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: "Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz." While you are waiting on YOUR Boaz, don’t settle for any of his relatives: Broke-az, Po-az, Lyin-az, Cheatin-az, Dumb-az, Drunk-az, Cheap-az, Lockedup-az, Goodfornothing-az, Lazy-az or Married-az and especially his third cousin Beatinyour-az. Wait on your Boaz and make sure he respects Yo-az... There it is. Well it’s been weighing heavily on my mind. Basically because well... I was asked out. Like a real date. According to Webster’s’ a Date is defined as a noun

a:  an appointment to meet at a specified time; especially:  a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character

b:  a person with whom one has a usually romantic date.

So I’m going on a date! And I am super excited! I have a babysitter lined up thanks to one of the fellow mamas at church. And it doesn’t interfere with me going to the women’s conference. Now, a few know that I have changed my life and the way I pray for things. For example, it has been my earnest prayer that God send me the man that was custom designed by Him for me! And to take it further my prayer has included daily for the last 6 months: Make this man appear as if out of thin air, I will do no door opening. It will just open. So my friend set me up on a date. And I have legitimately enjoyed phone conversations with the gentleman. And I am literally not kidding you in the last week. I have heard from just about every ex I have ever had! What in the world! When the well is dry and I’m not looking my phone is eerily silent. NOW? Not so much. What’s a girl to do? Well here’s what this girl is doing, GOING on a DATE! What’s the worst that can happen? I might actually enjoy it! Oh and another date is approaching the date of my divorce! I cannot wait until next week. I will be officially unmarried. I have been single and alone this whole time, but couldn’t afford the divorce! Finally! Here I am getting it!

Part 2

So I left off last night at Ella being born. In the last 9 years of my life I have been married twice. I am currently awaiting the court date to dissolve the second. When I married Charlie I had earnestly believed that things were going to change. Obviously with the prior post, you already know it didn’t. Well after Charlie left I became a single mother. This was before the first diagnosis. Noah was diagnosed at the age of 4 with non-epileptic seizures. And it seemed like every time we went to the dr. something new would be piled upon me. Ella was fine. Noah wasn’t developing his motor skills right. He wasn’t doing what kids his age were doing and pretty soon Ella started surpassing him in certain areas of life. Well I’m no expert but I knew that wasn’t normal. So we start speech therapy. After hes in speech, she suggests I get an eval for occupational and physical therapy. At this time there was no diagnosis just that he had a severe developmental delay. At one point in my life. I was living in cherry valley and driving to Jonesboro just about every other day for one therapy or another... it was rough! On one of those trecks when a therapist had said he seemed to be going backwards instead of forward I broke down. And I called Grandma. Well because she’s my grandma. I said I can’t do this I have no idea why this isn’t funny and don’t you dare tell me that God will only give you what you can handle I’ve heard all that crap I want to hear. I CAN NOT HANDLE THIS! I was broken. Truly broken. I had hit rock bottom and wanted nothing to do with this cruel joke called Christianity because God is love and in my eyes He hated me!! Because I never really got ahead. It was always something else to hinder our advancement. Well several years passed I believed in God but I didn’t LOVE God and there is a huge difference in knowing God and Loving God. During this time. I didn’t listen to God when He spoke to me. I just went on with my life with the thought. There’s always time to be forgiven and still get to Heaven. I became involved in a relationship with a man who couldn’t be further from Christ if he tried. But His brother is a MAN of God not of this world and he was telling me I wouldn’t let God get me, that God was trying but I wouldn’t let him. So I submitted and started prayer journaling. I eventually married the man and prayed that he would come to God as well. But he didn’t, as far as I know he still hasn’t. So I’m going on divorce number 2 and I regret it. But in the last year and a half. I’ve been thrown problem over problem over problem and Noah has had issues. Ella is growing and having issues with school. I’ve had issues. But I have learned to earnestly give my love and adoration to my Savior because when I spend my time with Him the world disappears, and He reveals to me His majesty, His grace, His adoration of me. The other night I read about agape love. Now I’m sure some people know what that is. Basically I have spent the last 30 years searching for a love that is not of this world so NOTHING has left me satisfied, sated. But the love God has graced me with in the last 2 years... Man. Think of this. When I moved to Harrisburg I had nothing literally not a thing to my name. I moved in here and over the last 9 months I have accumulated stuff. I have décor on my wall. Food in the fridge. A bed to sleep in. And God lives in this house.  I’m a “single” mom and yea I’ve stressed about finding the one. But lately God has filled me with so much peace about it that I am literally not even worried about it. I could care less if I ever have a husband because I know a love that is not of this world. And Honey NOBODY CAN LOVE YOU BETTER. I love it when I get into my prayer time and worship time at home and I’ll be in my bible and all of a sudden God will stop everything, And just move through my soul it literally brings tears to my eyes to be in Gods amazing presence. So yea. I’m another bible toting Baptist. And I’m doing this Christian thing. Not always doing it right. And I have moments where I’m like Oh Lord Help me. Because I am not strong enough. But just like when learning a new language. If you try hard enough, people that are native to that language will reach out and help you. That’s my salvation story. I wear it like a badge the good the bad the ugly. I could have went with I just wanted to be part of the in-crowd. But that’s not it. God picked me and nagged me until I submitted to His will in my life!

My salvation story

I do my best writing at night, alone. In the dark in the notes section I my iPhone. It's easy, it takes minimal effort and I can get it accomplished. I was challenged today well yesterday to tell my salvation story. So here goes:
My family didn't go to church when I was a child. I remember going with my grandma to special occasions and such but it wasn't an every Sunday deal. I don't remember hearing about God on a daily basis. I can't tell you how old I was. But my friend Jean invited me to church, even better her parents offered to take me an bring me back home. So I started going. It was an every Sunday thing for Shelly. But not for the rest of my family. I remember sitting in a pew of the church and I just don't know I couldn't explain it. I didn't want to go to hell. I'd heard the preacher preach. And I knew I did not want to be there. So Jesus came into my heart. Just like that. I was baptized and life went on. Nothing changed everything stayed the same. Our family moved so I no longer had a free ride to church. I became the typical teenager. The things I did I'm ashamed to even start the list so I won't. God knows, I know, and if you knew me then you know. This all changed in the year 2004! After a shady date with a shady guy because well let's face it I was lost. I became pregnant with Noah. I knew I was carrying an interracial child. I knew that it was still taboo in our town. I knew that the guy said. "Take care of it I don't want a baby". And this small lingering voice, said oh I don't think so. I have bigger plans for you. I told the man I didn't believe in abortion. Because I don't. While I wasn't raised in church persay I was raised to own up to your mistake and do hat you have to do to make it right. So I considered adoption. Because well I was 22 living at home. Parents were divorcing, I worked at WALMART! I had dreams of this child but I didn't know how on earth I was going to raise a child. I was broke and desperate. And along came Charlie. Who had all these plans and dreams an was a sweet talker and a charmer and I was seeking a love that man can't give. But here was this man offering it! I hoped on a plane to Texas. I had never even met him, but I moved in with him. How messed up is that?!? What if he wanted to kill me? He could have because I jumped ship and left my family.  He was perfect.. At first... Then one time he snapped and drug my pregnant butt by my hair through the yard and beat the snot out of me. Then he promised never to do it again.. It happened again.. It's a cycle. And I understand the mentality of the woman who can't leave. It's hard. It took me 5 years and 2 pregnancies to do it. (Not counting Noah's) well I had problems being pregnant I'm fat. And fat people hav diabetes. And so I had blood sugar problems. And high blood pressure and my kidneys started shutting down. Was all this enough for me to turn back to God? No. I was induced when Noah was like 6 weeks prior from his due date. And me big bad strong smart person I am had it in my head I was gonna go drug free. And I did. For 24 full hours. I don't remember labor now. Funny how that works. What I do remember is my dr being so tired after 24 hours he finally went home. And a hour later (right as I ask for something for the pain) the new dr came in and said your dr told me your dead set about not getting a cesarian. But we might need to talk about it. Your baby's heart rate is dropping.  Without missing a beat I said ok let's go. Get him out. He stood there shocked. Because he had been warned. I would fight! Well they took me back cut me open and delivered my little man. Oh happy day. I had too much anesthesia so I went into shock. I was cut the old way thru the fat rolls and everything. When I finally came back around a foreign dr came to my room to talk about Noah. He was a sick little dude. He couldn't regulate his body temp. He wouldn't eat. He was dehydrated and they couldn't get a iv started so they had to go through his umbilical cord. Oh and I couldn't see him... Because I just had major surgery 4 hours ago and I wasn't spose to get out of bed. They did bring me a Polaroid picture of him tho.. That was comforting. That's the day. After some sweet talkin. Oh who am I kidding. I defied the Drs and slowly but surely with my mom at my side made my way down to see my baby. They let me touch his hand. That was it.  I sat at that incubator hurting like all get out. Touching this little person who had been inside of me and I cried out to God. I begged God to make my baby better. Every little progression he made would throw the nurses for a loop. He was in step down by the third day and day 4 we went home.  Then more trouble. I got septic. Infection racked my body. I can't have penicillin so I had to have a antibiotic cocktail. And it was ROUGH! Blew my veins and I had to have a minor surgery everyday for 7 days to debreed my open wound. I had a huge open wound on my stomach. It had to heal from the inside out. I couldn't see my baby. My mom had him but even that is hard. I yearned for him. My parents had literally just made it back to Arkansas when I was admitted to the hospital. They had to turn around and come back an my dad dropped my mom off and then he went back home to Arkansas to work.it was a miserable time in my life. And I had a lot of time to talk to God. Did I use it wisely? Not really. I backslid for a bit then I got a job an this preacher called in to place an ad in the magazine I was working at. He invited me to church and we had a conversation over the phone and when I showed up to church it felt like home. It still does. Celebration Baptist Church. While there the husband and I still had our fights and we would make up. We didn't pray together as a family or anything. He did his thing I did mine.  When Noah was 2 I found out I was pregnant. And this May shock and surprise some of you. But I prayed to God to do something because I didn't want to die. I had come so close to death previously that I wanted no part in having another child. I don't even know how I got pregnant. I cried everyday and I was sick the whole time. I lost my color. They say be careful what you ask for, because it might not really be what you want. At 12 weeks. The baby's heart stopped. And I had to have a dnc. I was filled with guilt. I had prayed for that to happen. But I didn't want it. And I just even now I can't explain it. During the procedure I was filled with so much peace. But afterward the guilt set in. And I sunk into depression. And everyone at church was like you can try again.  I was angry. Well. A year later to the date I find out I'm pregnant. I'm high risk because of the diabetes and blood pressure so I go to the dr right away. No problem everything is fine. Now at this point I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to die. I wanted to move back home so Noah could get to know mom because well new babies will love whoever loves them. A almost 4 year old needs some adjusting time. But I couldn't commit to moving home until the first time I saw two little heart beats! Then by the 3rd or 4th time I saw two heart beats. We loaded up and came to Arkansas! I was 12 weeks pregnant when we left I was 19 weeks when I go in with an OB here. He said there was only one baby. What happened to the other one. I saw it. I made him look around and I looked. I didn't see the baby. But I'm not an expert. Well sugar was crazy so a week shy of 7 months here comes Ella! Surprise surprise. She was healthy as a horse. And a fat little baby. And I had not a single problem on with recovery. I got up 30 minutes after my c-section to walk and see my baby girl. I mean they took her an evaluated her till I was blue. But she just needed a little oxygen therapy. The abuse at home still continued and it reached it's breaking point when Ella was 6 weeks old. I had already been back working and we got into it over him falling asleep all the time. How can you watch a baby if your nodded off asleep. Anyway long story short. He threw me. I landed on the baby. And that was it. I went outside with the kids looking for the neighbor I had evil in my eye. Hope an her husband were driving by and I was tryin to protect my kids. I ask he to take them and thrusted my tiny little baby thru the window. See he didn't just throw me on the baby he got on top of me and choked the breath out of me. If I hadn't done some stupid crap before I had kids I wouldn't have been able to save myself. For a fat person I'm pretty flexible so I was able to draw my legs to my chest an just started kicking. I didn't care where my foot landed I just wanted him off of me. How perfect was Gods timing that Zack and Hope just happened to be driving by as I was running out of the house with two kids in two screaming for help. My dad eventually stepped in after that and my marriage came to an end. I am still left with the lingering effects. I'm nervous around men.  I jump if I hear a mans voice and I didn't see them walk in. You know classic stuff. Where I'm headed with this. Is years have passed since the.  6 almost. I wasn't as close to God as I am now. And He still had my back through all these events that I would sporadically pray to Him because I believed I just didn't want to do that Christian thing.. And I will tell you why. Because hen you move closer to God the devil has no room to play. And you start loosing what you thought were your "friends" because well your different. You walk different you talk different you think different. You constantly bring up how glorious our Savior is and the devil does not care to hear it. Being a Christian is the hardest thing I have ever commented to do. This is only a bare snippet. Because mostly I talk about Noah and his problems. For the longest time I would ask God what I did to deserve this. Now I praise God for the storm because I know there's a rainbow waiting for me if I can just get through it.

Splitting Hairs!

So. Noah got a haircut. No big deal right? Wrong. My cousin gave him a Mohawk he's wanted one for years an I wouldn't let him do it. She did it and there's no going back so now I live with this decision. And I've encountered people who liked it and people who didn't. My dad doesn't like it but I actually stood my ground. Walked away crying but I held firm. And low an behold 24 short hours later even tho the hair didn't change the man did. We made up. He still hates it. If I were being honest I don't like it that much either. But he's 9 he made a choice and I'm letting him have some creative freedom. I don't want him to be that adult who can't function if he's not told every single move to make.  Progress. Noah has decided that it's time for Ella to be bathtized (baptized). Last night it was storming so I made the kids sleep with me and we had a lengthily conversation about this. See I have been raising my kids in church. I wasn't raised from a tiny tot to an adult. I can recall the moment I was saved. I can recall the moment Noah ask Jesus into his heart. But Ella didn't ask Jesus in her hear. She just matter of factly said that Jesus is already in her heart so she doesn't have to ask Him. Well allllllrighty then... Now she's not sure she's on board with being bathtized because she can't swim. And isn't entirely confident in Brother Jason's ability to keep her from drowning. Until my not so little girl gets her courage up. We will continue to have these conversations I'm sure. (Jason if you read this will you assure my child you won't let her drown) also I'm not really sure if she is to young to be baptized. What's the age limit.. Is there an age limit. In any event. It's all splitting hairs. I learned a valuable lesson this week. Stand strong in what you believe in and your resolve will not weaken. And who knows. The world just may do a 180 and accept that there is not any one way to be.

Meltdown Momma

Maybe it's hormones. I don't know. The last few days I can only use the words hell on earth to describe. I said a cuss word. Literally. I am so emotionally unstable that at any moment I will be crying. And true to my word today my phone rang. I don't think I even answered when Amanda called! My word of the day no week is over stimulated. As an adult I struggle with OCD, ADHD, and for the heck of it let's just sprinkle in some good ole fashion depression and self worth problems. I am unmedicated at the moment. Sometimes it's not so bad. Others well just don't come to my house. I am so scatter brained I can barley function. The endless lists I make never get finished because I get distracted by another list I found anyway where was I? See that what I mean?!!! Between me and Noah this weekend has been full of tears. Friday was not so bad. I let him stay up late we were at papaws and had a lil Bon fire going. Saturday he slept until 11:30. Literally. But we didn't get home until like 11 something granted he crawled right in bed. So did Ella. Once awake he discovers other kids in the house and then shortly after they leave there is an Easter get together in the courtyard and immediately after that we went out to eat. He was JUST fine until we got home and started winding down. Then it happened. The meanest mother made him take a shower. Not only did I make him take a shower I made him let ME wash his hair. Because well he had a few twigs in there and GOD only knows what else. I give him his space in the shower and I was coming to wash his hair an Pandora's box was open. He did not want his hair washed. His muscles in his arms are not the stablest and to top that he was tired. Long story short. I mopped last night because he sprayed me it was on accident but I still spanked him. I mean seriously this is the 3rd time in a month that he has "flooded" the house well maybe 2 months. You get my point. I get his hair clean as he's crying the WHOLE time crocodile tears. Bawling. Then he gets out and  I feel bad because maybe I snapped at him. I could be more understanding. Blah blah blah. So I hug him until he stops crying at this point he's been crying for 15 minutes. I get him in bed and he realizes it's bunny night. He starts crying again because well I'm honest. I had NO money and couldn't buy them anything (Tiffany gave me some money I did get them something) I assure him this creature is coming and hold him again. He finally fell asleep! Hallelujah!!! Yay it morning the rabbit came! No no tears already! It's not what he wanted. Meanwhile E is happy as a tick on a fat puppy she got a pink bunny!! Woot! Now in this house to eliminate the you love her more thing they get the EXACT SAME THING!! Just he gets blue or green she gets pink or purple. So he's crying. And I'm trying to get ready for church. Oh look there's candy in there Ella tells him. It's your favorite. Little momma to the rescue so big momma can shower! She gets him calmed down and I promise him. If the basket he wants which was at the grocery store is still there we will buy it when I stop to get him breakfast because at this point I have no time! He agrees this is a compromise he can live with. He gets dressed and we sat out. Mind you Ella was dressed and had her hair fixed by the time I got out of the shower (side note: how does she do this?!?) we get to FG and begin to order their breakfast then I pay for it we are walking back up to the front because I forgot to get them a drink. The basket is gone. Right there in the middle of the store he starts crying. Bawling that his basket is gone and it's not fair and at this point this ha been the hardest week of my life detoxing headaches crying bellyaches. I've been pretty strong through all this. In the middle of food giant... I get to the front to pay for their drinks after I've been stared out because my kid is obsessed with this basket. And he is not ashamed to let the whole world know. Now in my haste to get to church an to go pay for their drinks I didn't get a receipt for the doughnut holes and the little girl was gonna charge me again. I dig thru my purse only to realize I didn't get a receipt. So I send Noah (real bright idea) to get the receipt. He is crying the whole way over there 2 minutes pass I can still hear him crying I send Ella to check on him. 2 more minutes later I leave my purse wallet an phone with the girl treck to the deli where Noah has the receipt he is just trolling around looking for this stupid basket! At this point tears are steaming down my face. I am literally at my breaking point. I cry the WHOLE way to church. Tiffany hears me crying at church and comes to check on me. I finally calm down enough to go in and Noah assures me that he is gonna be have. I am still an emotional wreck. Thank God above for Mrs Pat and Tiffany today. I could not have been in nursery. I got to go to Sunday school. I cried some more there. Then we go down to the sanctuary and Noah is wrapping one of the flags around his neck an playing with it I make him stop the someone TOUCHES him and his composure breaks. I'm already a basket case so I try to hustle him out for three elderly ladies to see me scolding him. I find a quiet dark room to remove the stimuli. I'm crying he's crying we finally settle down he's ready to go back out and 10 seconds later it happens again. I left church came home and made him take a nap! Then we wake up to head to some planned events we missed one but actually attended the other an he's at it again. The bunny was a dud and hEs crying because the bubbles don't work. I am at the end of my rope and I scream those bubbles ARE NOT BROKE I JUST BOUGHT THEM YESTERDAY! He stops dead in his tracks... More crying we get where we are going and Glory above my parents are there and Dad took over and I got a small break. So far tonight he's ok. He's in bed. Asleep. I feel terrible. Poor Ella is getting shafted of her mom. This is so unfair. She hasn't complained one time this whole week. She busted her lip with ice and just ask for tissue. No crying nothing. God knows what he's doing. I haven't figured it out yet. I'm working on it. Keep praying. Pray this gets better!

Little boy E

There's a little boy at the park an his name is Eli he's about Ella's age and I'm filled with thoughts of my little lost one. Not Noel. But my second baby E. Who would he be. Would he be as spunky as Ella? Would he love Noah as much as Ella does? How different would that little boy be? I will never know. God has his plan and His plan is perfect. My love for the children I have isn't wavering but I'm filled with wonder. And what it's. For those that know Ella was a twin. And I lost the other baby. Eli was to be his name. I was 12 weeks pregnant when his little heart just stopped and he stopped progressing. I delivered Ella at one week shy of being 7 months pregnant. And God blessed her birth immeasurable, I could never repay the debt of gratitude I owe to The Lord for both my miraculous births. I recently learned that Ella is what is called a "rainbow" baby a live birth after a loss. But she also had a womb mate what was he? I will never forget either child. I love both in heaven. And I'm so gracious that  I have my n and e here! (Just realized that I have a N and E on earth and in heaven)   There is also a child here who's parents are not paying attention to. Turns out it's his sister she is letting him live with her until his parents get better (his words). And I'm just sad I want to scoop this child up and take him home with me!

Tell me this gets easier....

So I try to stay upbeat, positive, praising. But sometimes I am just overwhelmed and want to literally hide under the covers and turn my phone off and cry. Not very adult I know but sometimes I am so mentally overloaded that physically I don’t know how I can carry on. I have it so easy. I don’t have a job. This morning I posted on face book about crack headed mamas. It’s an injustice that people who WANT to sit back and milk of the government can and people who legitimately want to help themselves get shafted. I WANT a job. I miss working. But I don’t have a job so it is the assumption of the public that I get to sit around and take bubble baths and drink wine. HAHAHA Oh wouldn’t it be great if that was what life was really like? For one I’m anti alcohol for two I do more stuff in one day than I would have thought humanly possible when I was in my twenties. For example today I took my kids to school after a major melt down from the diva of the house because she hates math and apparently math hates her back. She is my daughter she comes by it honestly. She said she was going to puke if I sent her to school so that the nurse would send her home… seriously I could not make that statement up. So I went to the nurse and said DO NOT LET MY CHILD FOOL YOU. So that was battle number one of the day. Then for battle of the day number two yet it is my major battle. Noah’s pediatrician is flakey. And I am so very frustrated with it. Noah had a neuro apt on March 19 I called on March 18 to confirm get directions… they had never heard of my kid... I was so mad I didn’t immediately call the ped because I was afraid I might lose Jesus on them… SO for the past 3 weeks LITERALLY I have called the office every two days to try and get this straightened out... finally an AUGUST excuse my outrage as I beat on the keyboard!!!! That is absolutely absurd that I have to wait that long just to be SEEN not even to get the eeg to determine how active his seizures are… L YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!  I called the office you know to try and move it up... they say we can schedule you for September... um. I said move it up. So NOW I have to try to get him in with a different neuro which means trying to get the girl to call me back from the ped office. Do you reckon if I went up there and acted like an idiot like most crack headed welfare moms they would get me in quicker? I mean I’m not ashamed to act like an idiot if it helps my child. Yes I am looking for a new ped… Then for my good news. AWESOME NEWS we (Noah) are going stimulant free. I am anti stimulant but have been bitterly and begrudgingly giving my child the prescribed stimulant when required. But as of today he no longer has a prescription for a stimulant medication and I couldn’t be happier. Now do PRAY PRAY PRAY this transition will NOT be easy and I do not expect it to. I have a socially awkward, hyperactive 9 year old he doesn’t go from 1 to 10 in increments he is either completely indifferent or over the top he doesn’t go happy more happy little more happy he goes indifferent-OH MY GOD SHINY BUG!!! Very loud very over the top. And we have some behavioral issues. But I have complete and utter FAITH that this is whets best for him and me. I know it’s not an easy road. And I know that I am NOT mentally strong enough for this. But here goes I took this step. And Casting Crowns I will praise you in this storm is running through my head. I have taken on responsibility at church, and now my home life is about to get shook up. So. I’m going to praise God for the good the bad and the ugly. If your name is not AMANDA PUFHAL , and I don’t answer my phone don’t worry I’m in my blankey fort crying and praying and at the end of it I'll get up and wipe my tears away and try again. Oh! That reminds me! I have been trying to wean myself from my dependence on my electronics. So there are times where I will walk off and leave my phone... again no worries im not dead somewhere chances are I’m outside and the phone is inside. J

Blessed

Tonight I am sitting here and I am overwhelmed with emotions. Today I quit fighting God and signed up for something I DO NOT WANT TO DO! But God wants me to. As proof by the fact that several people who didn't know I was struggling with this told me Be a Leader. I am by nature a "follower" I do not do well with conflict. Today, I Shelly Mitleff spoke with the pastor at my church home and am going to be the Nursery Coordinator. No big deal right? Here's the cinch I joined Cornerstone about 12 months ago. I said I will help anywhere you need me, just not in the nursery. I have OCD I do not like sticky kids. Babies are sticky if not properly cared for. My babies didn't have snot running down their faces and such I was their mother I kept it clean, and I didn't take them anywhere when they were sick that thy could spread germs. My biggest nightmare is giant sucker covered runny nosed baby's chasing me (go ahead laugh) sticky nasty messy! YUCK! Earlier this week I fasted, and in that time I truly felt God. I intimately spoke to and sat for hours just praising His glory and waiting for a response. I got what I needed. And so I took this task I do not want but that today I fell in love with. In Texas I was over tiny tots for a brief period and I loved it until I got burned out which is what happens when you become over something and haven't learned to delegate responsibility. Pray for me I've done a lot of spiritual growing since that time. I've also learned I'm not super woman and I can't do it all. I am able to rely on others now where as 7 years ago I wasn't. Today after church and after my joyful stint in the nursery where by the way there are NO babies because the babies mom's keep them in the sanctuary with them. We have at least 4 new baby's and they all stay with moms. I have a bunch of toddlers which is fine. But today my beat friend took me Ella and Noah on an outing. I had prearranged for Noah to go with his Uncle, my brother. Ella and I went to a broadway style theatre performed by Wynne High School students. It was about Cinderella. To say I was amazed is the least of this. I have in my adult life been to Disney on Ice a few times whole living in Dallas, and never before have I been so impressed an blown away at these young peoples abilities. The play was SPECTACULAR. But that's not the best part. After the play they let everyone kinda just "mingle" around and meet the actors. My daughter goes straight for the girl playing Cinderella. They were at the back of the stage we could get a picture "Cinderella" sees our plight and brings Brea and Ella up front holding their hands and lets us get a picture. Ella is in complete and utter awe, we see a few more actresses and leave. We are all hungry so go to the Mexican place and as we are leaving Cinderella walks in, in regular everyday clothes. Ella spots her and has to talk to her one last time the princess hugs Ella. We are walking to the car and as we are getting into the car the "prince" walks by Ella delighted says CINDERELLA is in there, without missing a beat this kid said : "I know, I am going after her" Ella's jaw drops and he hugs both girls. It was AMAZING!! Then we go get Noah from my bro. My amazing brother tells Noah don't forget to tell mama what all we did. Noah gave me a brief synopsis of what happened we get home his can opens and he starts spilling all this details that I am no sure I'm suppose to know. Because Uncle time is man time. Things happen in that time that sometimes mommy doesn't need to know. He is a little chatter box tells me Uncle took him and got a happy meal which is the highlight of my kids life literally he will do ANYTHING for a happy meal toy... He had told me thy went and saw a movie so he gave me all the details of the movie, and then says momma my belly hurts. I think I ate too much junk food. At this point I'm like what all did Uncle give you. He says candy. I ask how much candy. You get my point. He decides to be done talking about his tummy. He says to me uncle said that was really fun and we are gonna go to the movies all this summer. That's all I want to do he says well no I want to go swimming one time. But the rest of the time I want to be with Uncle. Now since we moved to Harrisburg his uncle time has been minimum. And his tiny statement and the joy in his eyes brought tears to my eyes. My children don't have a "dad" and I have steadfastly said they don't need one. And my reasoning? Uncle one word. One person. He may not be a "dad" but he steps up with my kids and loves them. Yes that's his "job" as an uncle. But not to the extent that he goes. Noah and Uncle have a bond, an Ella and uncle have a bond. I texted my brother just to say thank you and he said: "thanks sis I had fun too, I love y'all so much, I don't know what I did for The Lord to bless me with y'all" where's the tissue when I need it? See I have the unique ability to be both a little and big sister, I was blessed with someone to spoil me, and someone to spoil. My brother has always been my rock. If my car messes up the first person I call is Bubba. That's right I will be 32 on Tuesday and to this day I still address my brother a Bubba. If my heart is broken. I call bubba. If I want someone beat up I call bubba. And when I'm crying and so upset I can't breath and it's the middle of the night and I want to go home I call him. And he picks me up and drys my tears and tells me it's gonna be ok. I am going to bed tonight raw and overwrought with emotions.  Sleep tight my friends.

My Rant

It’s been coming; I don’t know where to start. My great aunt passed away. I found my prayer journal. I’m at the point of mental breakdown. Someone not naming names but someone had a tantrum in the dollar store the other day, so embarrassed I wound up having to carry said child out over my shoulder. With the patrons of the dollar store boring holes in my body, oh dear look there’s that crappy mom, can’t even control her kid. Then there’s the guy who stole my heart at the tender age of 19 who told me all my kid needed was a butt whooping, don’t you think in the 9 years since I gave birth I’ve spanked him more than a few times. I want a NORMAL kid. Like Ella. She minds. She behaves. How did I mess up so horribly with one but the other is fine? You’d think if it was my parenting style that they would both be as equally bad. So hi my name is Shelly, and I am the crap mom. I feel like a failure more than 99 percent of the time! I sometimes feel like even my best isn’t enough. And I’m sure you really read this blog to hear me complain about how I feel. It’s the truth bone cutting deep truth. I am trying to grow as a Christian. Because well my only hope is in the Lord. I go to church. I go to class, I volunteer, I listen dutifully to the pastor preach, I sing the songs. I participate in church. BUT do I participate in a personal relationship with God? I try I talk to God on a daily, hourly, sometimes by the second. Depending on how bad of a day it has been. But I don’t “study” in the bible. Why? Where do I start? The bible is an infinite book full of knowledge. Now my son has all his problems I have my own. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I have a pretty good memory, I have ADHD I am probably the most active FAT person you will ever meet.  And I have no idea where to start. There is not a dummies guide to the Bible or an Idiots relationship with God. (That I know of) it’s a great idea though. Someone should market that. Here lately, probably because this is a story that I have heard a lot about the woman at the well. I won’t lie. I don’t always LIKE being single. I put on a brave face and insist to everyone I meet that I have a normal functioning family without a man. I try to instill in my children that they don’t need anyone but me and of course God, I tell my kids that God is their father and they were created for a reason. With a purpose for each of them and as long as God and I love them. They don’t need anyone else’s approval. Meanwhile here I am the woman at the well I have been married twice. I am still currently legally wed. My last name should be Smith. But I didn’t change my name because I got married out of spite. I got pregnant with my son out of wedlock. He is a product of my sin. I was married to my daughter’s father, but he insisted that I had to have been cheating because she was not his. At current I don’t speak to either of my children’s donors. I have dated but not with the intent to get married. I say I am tired of being single. But am I really ready to have a CHRIST centered relationship?  I can’t afford a divorce right now. But as soon as the extra money rolls in I will get one. I struggle with the fact that I am unemployed and the what ifs of life. What if for whatever reason the check doesn’t hit the bank on the first and I have no way to provide for my family because I don’t have a job. I feel worthless. I need prayers, big prayers to ease my discontent and know that I am never without God always provides what we need. Maybe not what we WANT always but what we have to have to live.And I am open to "studying suggestions! ok go"

Make-up and Mud

I drive a ford. Mustang to be exact. Today a man driving a black corvette looked at me and said I can't believe you let your car be seen that dirty. It's a "flashy" car. Why do I have it? Because I had $3000 and it just so happened to cost that. Because my son who is big time into cars thinks it's Lightning McQueen? Maybe because when I bought the car, I with every thing in me wanted a Mustang, I made it happen! Anyway I answered the man, yea it's a car. I have this vehicle still 3 years later because it gets good gas mileage, it takes me where I need to go even if that's a dirt road. I'm not ashamed of the dirt in my life. Between you and me I'm kinda afraid if I wash every speck of dirt of ole Sally she will fall apart. (Joking)   Today I wore make up, my face is broke out and I looked professional. This man saw me before he saw my car. I wish I would have had the courage to say more than just yea, I played in the mud with my kids last week. We were soaking wet and covered and had the time of our life. I don't care how much make-up you put on something. The mud is what holds it together. The bad times in my life have made me a stronger person. The good times well they are good. Every challenge I face leaves a mark and there are times where I absolutely put my head down my hands up and surrender to God and say I can't do this. I need help. And amazingly the garden hose comes on, He picks me up and squirts the mud off. And sends me on my way to my trusty eyeliner. (I heart eyeliner, I may not be wearing anything else but I will have eyeliner on). 

PLEASE SMACK ME!!!

Today was hectic. I have been letting the little’s sleep with me. Basically just because I am so worn out at the end of the day, it’s easier to just snuggle them to sleep. Inevitably I wind up getting up and going to the bathroom which means the little’s steal my spot and I wind up on the couch. Every night for the past week I have woke up at 2:30 am on the dot and just can’t go back to sleep. So much in our family going on. Worry stress strife. This morning I got my good morning text from my aunt who was sitting with my great aunt and shortly after that my phone lit up like it was Christmas. Literally… this never happens but my ear has been so busy this week. I took grandma to the dr and went and sat with the aunts for a bit. It was quite refreshing to see Aunt Peggy, and she’s in a regular room now... promising. Anyway back to why I started writing this. I am emotionally and physically tired. Just tired. Want to take a nap, any volunteers to watch the little’s? Today N and I had an eye appt. E has a specialist in Memphis and has an appt on March 7^th. As I was walking in to get N the nurse at the school stops me and asks has your little one ever been evaluated for glasses (her words) me: yes we see a specialist in Memphis she has an appt in March. Kris the nurse: She FAILED her vision screen today, she needs to be seen. I get on the phone call the eye dr here and town and ask them to squeeze E in, why? Because my sweet baby HATES and I mean with a passion hates school. She’s SO smart, but she hates school. She can do the work at home but struggles at school. It’s been a huge battle. Turns out she needs glasses… worse than I need glasses. She needs them for everything except watching tv. and the cataract hasn’t changed that’s a blessing. So we are on a new adventure pray for us and pray she starts loving school. Now for the bad news. I have been having major problems with my left eye. It hurts. Physically. My last eye exam was when I first started EACC and of course it came with you guessed it glasses… this visit was no exception I will have a new pair soon. But my left eye is because the diabetes is affecting the blood vessels in my eyes. Yay right! Just my left eye there’s three spots. As if I wasn’t terrified enough about this whole medical crap I’ve been thru now I know without a doubt it is effecting my eyes.. So I am about to get my but back on track, if you see me with a cupcake! SMACK ME! 

Established Date

The latest trend is art with your families established date; I am a single parent family. Since these pieces have come out I’ve longed for one. But, I’m not married… and in my eyes that meant I’m not a family? What here I am super mom. I do everything for my little’s. And here I am my own worst enemy; I won’t even allow myself an established date. So tonight, I ordered my FIRST and certainly not the last piece with our official established date. And in the last two weeks (it literally has taken me that long to figure out “when” we became established) I have thought more than I thought one person could think about 1 day! My first thought was well go with your birth year, 1982 you were born so that’s your date. Ok me and God talked and I couldn’t bring myself to place that order. Today profoundly, As if God himself were talking to me, I can tell you exactly where I was, what I was doing. I was sitting at the door of my dwelling place watching my kids play outside. And it hit me. The day I stopped being ME a singular unit and became WE somebody more than me, my family is my date. That exact date is my first borns birthday, but that’s not the day I consider. March 11, 2004 I found out for sure I was pregnant! And THAT is the day my me, was we. I didn’t care about what the baby was gonna be. I was filled with joy that I would be a momma! And today, I still am! So here it is... 

Today, I lost Jesus for just a brief moment…

I am an IDIOT!  I can say that can’t I? Today, it was a beautiful day. It started out with Ella puking. And it is ending with me writing this. Today it was so pretty outside that we went outside for a bit. I came back in the house and the kids were playing outside with their little friends. No big deal. The door was open so I could hear them. I start to hear Noah saying I told you I don’t have one. He is upset, yelling, not happy. It’s the sound of a distraught child. Now since we moved into these apartments there has been a lady, I won’t name names but we don’t talk to her. And the kids say she is crazy because well she walks around randomly talking to herself and scares my kids. I have asked this woman several times to not talk to my kids. She harasses people. She is black and one of the first things she ever told me was that I needed to teach my son to be a panther a proud man that would fight for freedom… I just stood there was polite and calm said ok and walked in the apartment and told my kids, don’t talk to that lady. I have never been one for entertaining crazy… It just isn’t who I am. After my first marriage I had all the crazy one person needs. Anyway I go out there right as this woman is leaning down getting eye level with my Autistic child and telling him YOU HAVE TO HAVE A DADDY. What????!?!? I was infuriated because I have asked this woman several times not to speak to my kids. Yea I made a choice to live here. And I truly believe it is what is best for my kids and I. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to be the friendliest person to the entire ghetto, I’m not inventing all the crazies to my house for tea. I keep to myself and I am usually right there, but I had food on the stove… Anyway the point of the issue, Noah was playing with his little top toy on the sidewalk, watching it spin… when she showed him a picture of her so called hubby, Noah kept his head down and didn’t talk to her. She then asks about his father and I have no idea what happened but then he yelled. I walked outside and told her to leave my kid alone and stay out of my business quit harassing my kid he is 9 you’re a grown woman find someone your own age to talk to. She screamed at me that she wasn’t in my business, to which I replied yes it is HE IS MY CHILD THAT’S MY BUSINESS.  I don’t come over there to your house meddling around in your stuff. She then started cussing me and calling me nothing but a white trash honky… I didn’t resort to racial slurs basically because it’s petty but a few choice words slipped from between my lips and I regret them. I wound up calling the apartment manager and the cops. I have ask this woman several times not to talk to my kids, My kids know not to talk to her. They can talk to any other neighbor, just not this one. I called the cops, and management… Then to make matters better somehow the glass over the crisper broke. I have no idea how… So as I go to bed tonight I am praying for forgiveness, and writing an apology note… to the neighbor that I flew off the handle to.  

Getting the best of me!!

Today has been rough; Ella has been sick, which means I got sick. Noah has been bouncy! Nothing new! But my patience is wearing very thin. I’m snapping over things that I shouldn’t be. I’m tired. It happens to normal people. I’m fighting a never ending battle and at times I feel like I am NOT strong enough. Then I get a slap in the face. Some people have life way worse than me. Autism has changed my life. But more than that It’s changed who I am how I see things it has pushed me to the brink of madness. The no sleep no eating his beds not right, he wants all the cars around the dining table for supper, he wants to sleep in the floor, he wants to cuddle with me every night no matter how frustrated or tired I am. He will not go to sleep unless we sing the cuddle song. As I started typing this I was supremely frustrated. Both kids have been on fire today. Getting into everything humanly possible. Beating on pots with spoons till I have a headache (both). Kicking the apartment wall so the neighbor has reason to complain (Ella). Beyblading into my breakables (Noah). Shutting her finger in the closet and crying for 45 minutes. Dropping a shelf on his foot because he is doing something he's not suppose to be. Then having the audacity to blame me… it’s my fault because I got the shelf. Not having any clean laundry because we have puked everywhere and all our towels have been used to clean up our minor messes... Eating chips and dropping crumbs everywhere. Getting frustrated and throwing her toy and breaking it. A Flurry of activity when I myself feel like an alien from another planet has landed inside my stomach and is trying with all its might to go back home, trying to run out the door in underwear because he wants to... People coming over phone ringing dog barking (theoretically), all this activity and a frustrated mama!  All I had to do at 8:40 Is write this, give all this to God... wipe my tears and go cuddle my super guy and kiss my baby girl…  If you have a minute… PRAY FOR ME!!!