It’s been coming; I don’t know where to start. My great aunt
passed away. I found my prayer journal. I’m at the point of mental breakdown.
Someone not naming names but someone had a tantrum in the dollar store the
other day, so embarrassed I wound up having to carry said child out over my
shoulder. With the patrons of the dollar store boring holes in my body, oh dear
look there’s that crappy mom, can’t even control her kid. Then there’s the guy
who stole my heart at the tender age of 19 who told me all my kid needed was a
butt whooping, don’t you think in the 9 years since I gave birth I’ve spanked
him more than a few times. I want a NORMAL kid. Like Ella. She minds. She behaves.
How did I mess up so horribly with one but the other is fine? You’d think if it
was my parenting style that they would both be as equally bad. So hi my name is
Shelly, and I am the crap mom. I feel like a failure more than 99 percent of
the time! I sometimes feel like even my best isn’t enough. And I’m sure you
really read this blog to hear me complain about how I feel. It’s the truth bone
cutting deep truth. I am trying to grow as a Christian. Because well my only
hope is in the Lord. I go to church. I go to class, I volunteer, I listen dutifully
to the pastor preach, I sing the songs. I participate in church. BUT do I participate
in a personal relationship with God? I try I talk to God on a daily, hourly,
sometimes by the second. Depending on how bad of a day it has been. But I don’t
“study” in the bible. Why? Where do I start? The bible is an infinite book full
of knowledge. Now my son has all his problems I have my own. I have Obsessive
Compulsive Disorder, I have a pretty good memory, I have ADHD I am probably the
most active FAT person you will ever meet. And I have no idea where to start. There is
not a dummies guide to the Bible or an Idiots relationship with God. (That I know
of) it’s a great idea though. Someone should market that. Here lately, probably
because this is a story that I have heard a lot about the woman at the well. I won’t
lie. I don’t always LIKE being single. I put on a brave face and insist to
everyone I meet that I have a normal functioning family without a man. I try to
instill in my children that they don’t need anyone but me and of course God, I
tell my kids that God is their father and they were created for a reason. With
a purpose for each of them and as long as God and I love them. They don’t need
anyone else’s approval. Meanwhile here I am the woman at the well I have been
married twice. I am still currently legally wed. My last name should be Smith.
But I didn’t change my name because I got married out of spite. I got pregnant
with my son out of wedlock. He is a product of my sin. I was married to my daughter’s
father, but he insisted that I had to have been cheating because she was not
his. At current I don’t speak to either of my children’s donors. I have dated
but not with the intent to get married. I say I am tired of being single. But am
I really ready to have a CHRIST centered relationship? I can’t afford a divorce right now. But as
soon as the extra money rolls in I will get one. I struggle with the fact that
I am unemployed and the what ifs of life. What if for whatever reason the check
doesn’t hit the bank on the first and I have no way to provide for my family
because I don’t have a job. I feel worthless. I need prayers, big prayers to
ease my discontent and know that I am never without God always provides what we
need. Maybe not what we WANT always but what we have to have to live.And I am open to "studying suggestions! ok go"
The only person judging you as a bad parent is Shelly Mitleff. You are you worst judge and the worst person for your parenting skills. You kids are clean, fed, taken care of and not horrifying behaved. The problem with you is you! If I've told you once I've told you 100 times STOP BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF! As far as it goes with your relationship with men and God; God first, men second. If you will put all the focus you feel you need to have a father for your children into showing them the father they have in heaven you would feel a lot more at ease. Wanna study the bible? Here's a place to start: Proverbs. I know what bible you have, read the commentary. Some other verse strikes your fancy, go for it. Finish the book? Go over it again. Mark it, high light it, underline it. Study what speaks to you. Pick a topic. Maybe marriage? Your roll as a parent. The bible says you will have to face your sin, sometimes on earth, sometimes in heaven. I'm sure you've asked for forgiveness for having Noah out if wedlock. Not for having him but for going against Gods will, but let me tell you something. If you weren't meant to have this handsome little boy God wouldn't have given him to you. I will not say God won't give you more than you can handle because guess what, He did. Do you know why? So you will have a constant reminder that you, Shelly, need God. Stop punishing yourself. You are not the only single parent in the world. You are not the only woman who has had s child outside of wedlock. Stop looking back at your past sin if you've asked forgiveness for it. The only person bringing it up is Satan. Do you wish your continue to entertain him or tell him to get behind you? Your choice.
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