Part 2

So I left off last night at Ella being born. In the last 9 years of my life I have been married twice. I am currently awaiting the court date to dissolve the second. When I married Charlie I had earnestly believed that things were going to change. Obviously with the prior post, you already know it didn’t. Well after Charlie left I became a single mother. This was before the first diagnosis. Noah was diagnosed at the age of 4 with non-epileptic seizures. And it seemed like every time we went to the dr. something new would be piled upon me. Ella was fine. Noah wasn’t developing his motor skills right. He wasn’t doing what kids his age were doing and pretty soon Ella started surpassing him in certain areas of life. Well I’m no expert but I knew that wasn’t normal. So we start speech therapy. After hes in speech, she suggests I get an eval for occupational and physical therapy. At this time there was no diagnosis just that he had a severe developmental delay. At one point in my life. I was living in cherry valley and driving to Jonesboro just about every other day for one therapy or another... it was rough! On one of those trecks when a therapist had said he seemed to be going backwards instead of forward I broke down. And I called Grandma. Well because she’s my grandma. I said I can’t do this I have no idea why this isn’t funny and don’t you dare tell me that God will only give you what you can handle I’ve heard all that crap I want to hear. I CAN NOT HANDLE THIS! I was broken. Truly broken. I had hit rock bottom and wanted nothing to do with this cruel joke called Christianity because God is love and in my eyes He hated me!! Because I never really got ahead. It was always something else to hinder our advancement. Well several years passed I believed in God but I didn’t LOVE God and there is a huge difference in knowing God and Loving God. During this time. I didn’t listen to God when He spoke to me. I just went on with my life with the thought. There’s always time to be forgiven and still get to Heaven. I became involved in a relationship with a man who couldn’t be further from Christ if he tried. But His brother is a MAN of God not of this world and he was telling me I wouldn’t let God get me, that God was trying but I wouldn’t let him. So I submitted and started prayer journaling. I eventually married the man and prayed that he would come to God as well. But he didn’t, as far as I know he still hasn’t. So I’m going on divorce number 2 and I regret it. But in the last year and a half. I’ve been thrown problem over problem over problem and Noah has had issues. Ella is growing and having issues with school. I’ve had issues. But I have learned to earnestly give my love and adoration to my Savior because when I spend my time with Him the world disappears, and He reveals to me His majesty, His grace, His adoration of me. The other night I read about agape love. Now I’m sure some people know what that is. Basically I have spent the last 30 years searching for a love that is not of this world so NOTHING has left me satisfied, sated. But the love God has graced me with in the last 2 years... Man. Think of this. When I moved to Harrisburg I had nothing literally not a thing to my name. I moved in here and over the last 9 months I have accumulated stuff. I have décor on my wall. Food in the fridge. A bed to sleep in. And God lives in this house.  I’m a “single” mom and yea I’ve stressed about finding the one. But lately God has filled me with so much peace about it that I am literally not even worried about it. I could care less if I ever have a husband because I know a love that is not of this world. And Honey NOBODY CAN LOVE YOU BETTER. I love it when I get into my prayer time and worship time at home and I’ll be in my bible and all of a sudden God will stop everything, And just move through my soul it literally brings tears to my eyes to be in Gods amazing presence. So yea. I’m another bible toting Baptist. And I’m doing this Christian thing. Not always doing it right. And I have moments where I’m like Oh Lord Help me. Because I am not strong enough. But just like when learning a new language. If you try hard enough, people that are native to that language will reach out and help you. That’s my salvation story. I wear it like a badge the good the bad the ugly. I could have went with I just wanted to be part of the in-crowd. But that’s not it. God picked me and nagged me until I submitted to His will in my life!