Splitting Hairs!

So. Noah got a haircut. No big deal right? Wrong. My cousin gave him a Mohawk he's wanted one for years an I wouldn't let him do it. She did it and there's no going back so now I live with this decision. And I've encountered people who liked it and people who didn't. My dad doesn't like it but I actually stood my ground. Walked away crying but I held firm. And low an behold 24 short hours later even tho the hair didn't change the man did. We made up. He still hates it. If I were being honest I don't like it that much either. But he's 9 he made a choice and I'm letting him have some creative freedom. I don't want him to be that adult who can't function if he's not told every single move to make.  Progress. Noah has decided that it's time for Ella to be bathtized (baptized). Last night it was storming so I made the kids sleep with me and we had a lengthily conversation about this. See I have been raising my kids in church. I wasn't raised from a tiny tot to an adult. I can recall the moment I was saved. I can recall the moment Noah ask Jesus into his heart. But Ella didn't ask Jesus in her hear. She just matter of factly said that Jesus is already in her heart so she doesn't have to ask Him. Well allllllrighty then... Now she's not sure she's on board with being bathtized because she can't swim. And isn't entirely confident in Brother Jason's ability to keep her from drowning. Until my not so little girl gets her courage up. We will continue to have these conversations I'm sure. (Jason if you read this will you assure my child you won't let her drown) also I'm not really sure if she is to young to be baptized. What's the age limit.. Is there an age limit. In any event. It's all splitting hairs. I learned a valuable lesson this week. Stand strong in what you believe in and your resolve will not weaken. And who knows. The world just may do a 180 and accept that there is not any one way to be.

Meltdown Momma

Maybe it's hormones. I don't know. The last few days I can only use the words hell on earth to describe. I said a cuss word. Literally. I am so emotionally unstable that at any moment I will be crying. And true to my word today my phone rang. I don't think I even answered when Amanda called! My word of the day no week is over stimulated. As an adult I struggle with OCD, ADHD, and for the heck of it let's just sprinkle in some good ole fashion depression and self worth problems. I am unmedicated at the moment. Sometimes it's not so bad. Others well just don't come to my house. I am so scatter brained I can barley function. The endless lists I make never get finished because I get distracted by another list I found anyway where was I? See that what I mean?!!! Between me and Noah this weekend has been full of tears. Friday was not so bad. I let him stay up late we were at papaws and had a lil Bon fire going. Saturday he slept until 11:30. Literally. But we didn't get home until like 11 something granted he crawled right in bed. So did Ella. Once awake he discovers other kids in the house and then shortly after they leave there is an Easter get together in the courtyard and immediately after that we went out to eat. He was JUST fine until we got home and started winding down. Then it happened. The meanest mother made him take a shower. Not only did I make him take a shower I made him let ME wash his hair. Because well he had a few twigs in there and GOD only knows what else. I give him his space in the shower and I was coming to wash his hair an Pandora's box was open. He did not want his hair washed. His muscles in his arms are not the stablest and to top that he was tired. Long story short. I mopped last night because he sprayed me it was on accident but I still spanked him. I mean seriously this is the 3rd time in a month that he has "flooded" the house well maybe 2 months. You get my point. I get his hair clean as he's crying the WHOLE time crocodile tears. Bawling. Then he gets out and  I feel bad because maybe I snapped at him. I could be more understanding. Blah blah blah. So I hug him until he stops crying at this point he's been crying for 15 minutes. I get him in bed and he realizes it's bunny night. He starts crying again because well I'm honest. I had NO money and couldn't buy them anything (Tiffany gave me some money I did get them something) I assure him this creature is coming and hold him again. He finally fell asleep! Hallelujah!!! Yay it morning the rabbit came! No no tears already! It's not what he wanted. Meanwhile E is happy as a tick on a fat puppy she got a pink bunny!! Woot! Now in this house to eliminate the you love her more thing they get the EXACT SAME THING!! Just he gets blue or green she gets pink or purple. So he's crying. And I'm trying to get ready for church. Oh look there's candy in there Ella tells him. It's your favorite. Little momma to the rescue so big momma can shower! She gets him calmed down and I promise him. If the basket he wants which was at the grocery store is still there we will buy it when I stop to get him breakfast because at this point I have no time! He agrees this is a compromise he can live with. He gets dressed and we sat out. Mind you Ella was dressed and had her hair fixed by the time I got out of the shower (side note: how does she do this?!?) we get to FG and begin to order their breakfast then I pay for it we are walking back up to the front because I forgot to get them a drink. The basket is gone. Right there in the middle of the store he starts crying. Bawling that his basket is gone and it's not fair and at this point this ha been the hardest week of my life detoxing headaches crying bellyaches. I've been pretty strong through all this. In the middle of food giant... I get to the front to pay for their drinks after I've been stared out because my kid is obsessed with this basket. And he is not ashamed to let the whole world know. Now in my haste to get to church an to go pay for their drinks I didn't get a receipt for the doughnut holes and the little girl was gonna charge me again. I dig thru my purse only to realize I didn't get a receipt. So I send Noah (real bright idea) to get the receipt. He is crying the whole way over there 2 minutes pass I can still hear him crying I send Ella to check on him. 2 more minutes later I leave my purse wallet an phone with the girl treck to the deli where Noah has the receipt he is just trolling around looking for this stupid basket! At this point tears are steaming down my face. I am literally at my breaking point. I cry the WHOLE way to church. Tiffany hears me crying at church and comes to check on me. I finally calm down enough to go in and Noah assures me that he is gonna be have. I am still an emotional wreck. Thank God above for Mrs Pat and Tiffany today. I could not have been in nursery. I got to go to Sunday school. I cried some more there. Then we go down to the sanctuary and Noah is wrapping one of the flags around his neck an playing with it I make him stop the someone TOUCHES him and his composure breaks. I'm already a basket case so I try to hustle him out for three elderly ladies to see me scolding him. I find a quiet dark room to remove the stimuli. I'm crying he's crying we finally settle down he's ready to go back out and 10 seconds later it happens again. I left church came home and made him take a nap! Then we wake up to head to some planned events we missed one but actually attended the other an he's at it again. The bunny was a dud and hEs crying because the bubbles don't work. I am at the end of my rope and I scream those bubbles ARE NOT BROKE I JUST BOUGHT THEM YESTERDAY! He stops dead in his tracks... More crying we get where we are going and Glory above my parents are there and Dad took over and I got a small break. So far tonight he's ok. He's in bed. Asleep. I feel terrible. Poor Ella is getting shafted of her mom. This is so unfair. She hasn't complained one time this whole week. She busted her lip with ice and just ask for tissue. No crying nothing. God knows what he's doing. I haven't figured it out yet. I'm working on it. Keep praying. Pray this gets better!

Little boy E

There's a little boy at the park an his name is Eli he's about Ella's age and I'm filled with thoughts of my little lost one. Not Noel. But my second baby E. Who would he be. Would he be as spunky as Ella? Would he love Noah as much as Ella does? How different would that little boy be? I will never know. God has his plan and His plan is perfect. My love for the children I have isn't wavering but I'm filled with wonder. And what it's. For those that know Ella was a twin. And I lost the other baby. Eli was to be his name. I was 12 weeks pregnant when his little heart just stopped and he stopped progressing. I delivered Ella at one week shy of being 7 months pregnant. And God blessed her birth immeasurable, I could never repay the debt of gratitude I owe to The Lord for both my miraculous births. I recently learned that Ella is what is called a "rainbow" baby a live birth after a loss. But she also had a womb mate what was he? I will never forget either child. I love both in heaven. And I'm so gracious that  I have my n and e here! (Just realized that I have a N and E on earth and in heaven)   There is also a child here who's parents are not paying attention to. Turns out it's his sister she is letting him live with her until his parents get better (his words). And I'm just sad I want to scoop this child up and take him home with me!

Tell me this gets easier....

So I try to stay upbeat, positive, praising. But sometimes I am just overwhelmed and want to literally hide under the covers and turn my phone off and cry. Not very adult I know but sometimes I am so mentally overloaded that physically I don’t know how I can carry on. I have it so easy. I don’t have a job. This morning I posted on face book about crack headed mamas. It’s an injustice that people who WANT to sit back and milk of the government can and people who legitimately want to help themselves get shafted. I WANT a job. I miss working. But I don’t have a job so it is the assumption of the public that I get to sit around and take bubble baths and drink wine. HAHAHA Oh wouldn’t it be great if that was what life was really like? For one I’m anti alcohol for two I do more stuff in one day than I would have thought humanly possible when I was in my twenties. For example today I took my kids to school after a major melt down from the diva of the house because she hates math and apparently math hates her back. She is my daughter she comes by it honestly. She said she was going to puke if I sent her to school so that the nurse would send her home… seriously I could not make that statement up. So I went to the nurse and said DO NOT LET MY CHILD FOOL YOU. So that was battle number one of the day. Then for battle of the day number two yet it is my major battle. Noah’s pediatrician is flakey. And I am so very frustrated with it. Noah had a neuro apt on March 19 I called on March 18 to confirm get directions… they had never heard of my kid... I was so mad I didn’t immediately call the ped because I was afraid I might lose Jesus on them… SO for the past 3 weeks LITERALLY I have called the office every two days to try and get this straightened out... finally an AUGUST excuse my outrage as I beat on the keyboard!!!! That is absolutely absurd that I have to wait that long just to be SEEN not even to get the eeg to determine how active his seizures are… L YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!  I called the office you know to try and move it up... they say we can schedule you for September... um. I said move it up. So NOW I have to try to get him in with a different neuro which means trying to get the girl to call me back from the ped office. Do you reckon if I went up there and acted like an idiot like most crack headed welfare moms they would get me in quicker? I mean I’m not ashamed to act like an idiot if it helps my child. Yes I am looking for a new ped… Then for my good news. AWESOME NEWS we (Noah) are going stimulant free. I am anti stimulant but have been bitterly and begrudgingly giving my child the prescribed stimulant when required. But as of today he no longer has a prescription for a stimulant medication and I couldn’t be happier. Now do PRAY PRAY PRAY this transition will NOT be easy and I do not expect it to. I have a socially awkward, hyperactive 9 year old he doesn’t go from 1 to 10 in increments he is either completely indifferent or over the top he doesn’t go happy more happy little more happy he goes indifferent-OH MY GOD SHINY BUG!!! Very loud very over the top. And we have some behavioral issues. But I have complete and utter FAITH that this is whets best for him and me. I know it’s not an easy road. And I know that I am NOT mentally strong enough for this. But here goes I took this step. And Casting Crowns I will praise you in this storm is running through my head. I have taken on responsibility at church, and now my home life is about to get shook up. So. I’m going to praise God for the good the bad and the ugly. If your name is not AMANDA PUFHAL , and I don’t answer my phone don’t worry I’m in my blankey fort crying and praying and at the end of it I'll get up and wipe my tears away and try again. Oh! That reminds me! I have been trying to wean myself from my dependence on my electronics. So there are times where I will walk off and leave my phone... again no worries im not dead somewhere chances are I’m outside and the phone is inside. J