PLEASE SMACK ME!!!

Today was hectic. I have been letting the little’s sleep with me. Basically just because I am so worn out at the end of the day, it’s easier to just snuggle them to sleep. Inevitably I wind up getting up and going to the bathroom which means the little’s steal my spot and I wind up on the couch. Every night for the past week I have woke up at 2:30 am on the dot and just can’t go back to sleep. So much in our family going on. Worry stress strife. This morning I got my good morning text from my aunt who was sitting with my great aunt and shortly after that my phone lit up like it was Christmas. Literally… this never happens but my ear has been so busy this week. I took grandma to the dr and went and sat with the aunts for a bit. It was quite refreshing to see Aunt Peggy, and she’s in a regular room now... promising. Anyway back to why I started writing this. I am emotionally and physically tired. Just tired. Want to take a nap, any volunteers to watch the little’s? Today N and I had an eye appt. E has a specialist in Memphis and has an appt on March 7^th. As I was walking in to get N the nurse at the school stops me and asks has your little one ever been evaluated for glasses (her words) me: yes we see a specialist in Memphis she has an appt in March. Kris the nurse: She FAILED her vision screen today, she needs to be seen. I get on the phone call the eye dr here and town and ask them to squeeze E in, why? Because my sweet baby HATES and I mean with a passion hates school. She’s SO smart, but she hates school. She can do the work at home but struggles at school. It’s been a huge battle. Turns out she needs glasses… worse than I need glasses. She needs them for everything except watching tv. and the cataract hasn’t changed that’s a blessing. So we are on a new adventure pray for us and pray she starts loving school. Now for the bad news. I have been having major problems with my left eye. It hurts. Physically. My last eye exam was when I first started EACC and of course it came with you guessed it glasses… this visit was no exception I will have a new pair soon. But my left eye is because the diabetes is affecting the blood vessels in my eyes. Yay right! Just my left eye there’s three spots. As if I wasn’t terrified enough about this whole medical crap I’ve been thru now I know without a doubt it is effecting my eyes.. So I am about to get my but back on track, if you see me with a cupcake! SMACK ME! 

Established Date

The latest trend is art with your families established date; I am a single parent family. Since these pieces have come out I’ve longed for one. But, I’m not married… and in my eyes that meant I’m not a family? What here I am super mom. I do everything for my little’s. And here I am my own worst enemy; I won’t even allow myself an established date. So tonight, I ordered my FIRST and certainly not the last piece with our official established date. And in the last two weeks (it literally has taken me that long to figure out “when” we became established) I have thought more than I thought one person could think about 1 day! My first thought was well go with your birth year, 1982 you were born so that’s your date. Ok me and God talked and I couldn’t bring myself to place that order. Today profoundly, As if God himself were talking to me, I can tell you exactly where I was, what I was doing. I was sitting at the door of my dwelling place watching my kids play outside. And it hit me. The day I stopped being ME a singular unit and became WE somebody more than me, my family is my date. That exact date is my first borns birthday, but that’s not the day I consider. March 11, 2004 I found out for sure I was pregnant! And THAT is the day my me, was we. I didn’t care about what the baby was gonna be. I was filled with joy that I would be a momma! And today, I still am! So here it is... 

Today, I lost Jesus for just a brief moment…

I am an IDIOT!  I can say that can’t I? Today, it was a beautiful day. It started out with Ella puking. And it is ending with me writing this. Today it was so pretty outside that we went outside for a bit. I came back in the house and the kids were playing outside with their little friends. No big deal. The door was open so I could hear them. I start to hear Noah saying I told you I don’t have one. He is upset, yelling, not happy. It’s the sound of a distraught child. Now since we moved into these apartments there has been a lady, I won’t name names but we don’t talk to her. And the kids say she is crazy because well she walks around randomly talking to herself and scares my kids. I have asked this woman several times to not talk to my kids. She harasses people. She is black and one of the first things she ever told me was that I needed to teach my son to be a panther a proud man that would fight for freedom… I just stood there was polite and calm said ok and walked in the apartment and told my kids, don’t talk to that lady. I have never been one for entertaining crazy… It just isn’t who I am. After my first marriage I had all the crazy one person needs. Anyway I go out there right as this woman is leaning down getting eye level with my Autistic child and telling him YOU HAVE TO HAVE A DADDY. What????!?!? I was infuriated because I have asked this woman several times not to speak to my kids. Yea I made a choice to live here. And I truly believe it is what is best for my kids and I. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to be the friendliest person to the entire ghetto, I’m not inventing all the crazies to my house for tea. I keep to myself and I am usually right there, but I had food on the stove… Anyway the point of the issue, Noah was playing with his little top toy on the sidewalk, watching it spin… when she showed him a picture of her so called hubby, Noah kept his head down and didn’t talk to her. She then asks about his father and I have no idea what happened but then he yelled. I walked outside and told her to leave my kid alone and stay out of my business quit harassing my kid he is 9 you’re a grown woman find someone your own age to talk to. She screamed at me that she wasn’t in my business, to which I replied yes it is HE IS MY CHILD THAT’S MY BUSINESS.  I don’t come over there to your house meddling around in your stuff. She then started cussing me and calling me nothing but a white trash honky… I didn’t resort to racial slurs basically because it’s petty but a few choice words slipped from between my lips and I regret them. I wound up calling the apartment manager and the cops. I have ask this woman several times not to talk to my kids, My kids know not to talk to her. They can talk to any other neighbor, just not this one. I called the cops, and management… Then to make matters better somehow the glass over the crisper broke. I have no idea how… So as I go to bed tonight I am praying for forgiveness, and writing an apology note… to the neighbor that I flew off the handle to.  

Getting the best of me!!

Today has been rough; Ella has been sick, which means I got sick. Noah has been bouncy! Nothing new! But my patience is wearing very thin. I’m snapping over things that I shouldn’t be. I’m tired. It happens to normal people. I’m fighting a never ending battle and at times I feel like I am NOT strong enough. Then I get a slap in the face. Some people have life way worse than me. Autism has changed my life. But more than that It’s changed who I am how I see things it has pushed me to the brink of madness. The no sleep no eating his beds not right, he wants all the cars around the dining table for supper, he wants to sleep in the floor, he wants to cuddle with me every night no matter how frustrated or tired I am. He will not go to sleep unless we sing the cuddle song. As I started typing this I was supremely frustrated. Both kids have been on fire today. Getting into everything humanly possible. Beating on pots with spoons till I have a headache (both). Kicking the apartment wall so the neighbor has reason to complain (Ella). Beyblading into my breakables (Noah). Shutting her finger in the closet and crying for 45 minutes. Dropping a shelf on his foot because he is doing something he's not suppose to be. Then having the audacity to blame me… it’s my fault because I got the shelf. Not having any clean laundry because we have puked everywhere and all our towels have been used to clean up our minor messes... Eating chips and dropping crumbs everywhere. Getting frustrated and throwing her toy and breaking it. A Flurry of activity when I myself feel like an alien from another planet has landed inside my stomach and is trying with all its might to go back home, trying to run out the door in underwear because he wants to... People coming over phone ringing dog barking (theoretically), all this activity and a frustrated mama!  All I had to do at 8:40 Is write this, give all this to God... wipe my tears and go cuddle my super guy and kiss my baby girl…  If you have a minute… PRAY FOR ME!!!