I am not submissive

That is very hard for me to type, because for years I have thought I knew how to submit. I thought I knew what I wanted out of life and how to get it. And then it happened I had an encounter, that left me with my mouth hanging open and I knew. I am not submissive.

The encounter you ask?

LIFE

Yes that's right life happened, this week has been a different week for me. (read difficult) Last week was Vacation Bible School and I had to rapidly deal with my sin issue. It is very easy to live a sin life. And all was good in my world because I was attending church, sitting in my seat, and going through the motions, and as soon as I left I still acknowledged that God was in control with my words. But I failed. I failed because I quit spending time with my Father, I quit reading the million devotionals I own. I quit opening my bible, and my bible app and instead opened up Facebook. And even before VBS I was so convicted that I couldn't function. I couldn’t sleep. I was still a good person because I have morals, which are entirely different from living for Christ. During VBS I was forced to spend time with God everyday, while I was there teaching, before I got there praying and crying, and when I left licking my wounds, that included a busted nose that swelled for the remainder of the week, so much that I had to put in a hoop nose ring because my stud would not go all the way through. I literally fell asleep for three days with an icepack on my face. I had never been so happy to see a Friday! Back on task though. That week renewed me. And I deleted my facebook initially completely. But then needed messenger so it reactivated, so I just kept the app off my phone which is where it was a major time killer. And I only access facebook as a whole from my laptop. Which means I have to sit still, in one place, for more than a few minutes. And it’s not like laying in my bed with my phone killing hours when I should be asleep. I said I was getting away from facebook and spending more time in the good book. So I picked up my bible again, and I started reading devotionals. I immersed myself in the word, when I wasn't reading the bible I was listening to worship music. I started living my life in a constant state of worship and praise. I started appreciating everything and I was led to fast. So for once in my life, I obeyed God. (Ive listened before) I fasted for 3 days total. And it was the most difficult fast I have ever done. On the first night, a guy came over and said hey let's go get some Mel’s on me, (read i'm a fat broke kid I can't afford that). Do you know what I said? That sounds great but I can’t Im fasting, which led to a discussion about why I didn't need too…. Frustrating. Everyday I fasted something like that happened. And I honestly thanked God for my hunger pains, and when I felt them I prayed, God make me as hungry for you as I am for food right now. I started a devotional dedicated to fasting, in fact I'm still working on it. But by wednesday night I had gotten what God wanted me to get out of fasting because I was led to eat, my first meal? English Peas and pickles… Because well that's what I had been craving for 3 days. I could have had anything and I wanted pickles and peas. On thursday, I loaded my kids up and we went for a ride, on that ride we listened to praise music and ran into rain. We sang to the top of our lungs and we wound up driving around for like 3 hours. And on that drive I had a lot of time to think. I thought about being a single parent. I thought about past relationships. I thought about ex husbands. I thought about the two kids that I love as my own but whos life I am not a part of anymore. And that is the place and space I decided I am not submissive. Because I have a me do it attitude. For so long I have done what needed to be done relying on only a few who I have to when I have to. I've dated, but still refused to submit to any man by saying things like, I don’t ever want to live with a man because I like my space, because I don't want to have to depend on anyone, because I don't want to be rejected. So instead of getting hurt by anyone I hurt myself. I do the same thing with God. When God has something planned for me I tell Him this isn't a good idea, I'm not sure I will like it, I will fail. I refuse to submit to His will for my life. The word independent and submissive can not exist together. I can not be submissive to God's will for my life if I continue to be so headstrong and independent that God cant work in my life. I kinda had said that I wasn’t praying for a husband anymore, that I have been praying for God to prepare me to be a wife which is true in a way. But In a way I didn’t want God preparing me to be a wife, because I'll be darned if i have to listen to a man and submit to him. Im independent I don't need nobody, except my dad… and my brother…. And my mom…. And my sister…. And my kids…. And my nephews (who are quite handy when moving).  I was praying a prayer I didnt want, change me God. Make me who I am suppose to be for the man you have for me. And Hes been changing me, and I have been fighting Him the whole way, because I am not submissive. For the past week really I haven't prayed that because I started praying and praising with my lips and my heart. And I know that when I pray them with my heart and my lips, God is going to start changing me. Preparing me for what He has for me. HEs not finished with me yet. I will be praying those bold prayers again soon. But not today. Thats all for tonight. Pray for me. Specific prayers that all my temptations be removed. That I stay on this path.