I am not submissive

That is very hard for me to type, because for years I have thought I knew how to submit. I thought I knew what I wanted out of life and how to get it. And then it happened I had an encounter, that left me with my mouth hanging open and I knew. I am not submissive.

The encounter you ask?

LIFE

Yes that's right life happened, this week has been a different week for me. (read difficult) Last week was Vacation Bible School and I had to rapidly deal with my sin issue. It is very easy to live a sin life. And all was good in my world because I was attending church, sitting in my seat, and going through the motions, and as soon as I left I still acknowledged that God was in control with my words. But I failed. I failed because I quit spending time with my Father, I quit reading the million devotionals I own. I quit opening my bible, and my bible app and instead opened up Facebook. And even before VBS I was so convicted that I couldn't function. I couldn’t sleep. I was still a good person because I have morals, which are entirely different from living for Christ. During VBS I was forced to spend time with God everyday, while I was there teaching, before I got there praying and crying, and when I left licking my wounds, that included a busted nose that swelled for the remainder of the week, so much that I had to put in a hoop nose ring because my stud would not go all the way through. I literally fell asleep for three days with an icepack on my face. I had never been so happy to see a Friday! Back on task though. That week renewed me. And I deleted my facebook initially completely. But then needed messenger so it reactivated, so I just kept the app off my phone which is where it was a major time killer. And I only access facebook as a whole from my laptop. Which means I have to sit still, in one place, for more than a few minutes. And it’s not like laying in my bed with my phone killing hours when I should be asleep. I said I was getting away from facebook and spending more time in the good book. So I picked up my bible again, and I started reading devotionals. I immersed myself in the word, when I wasn't reading the bible I was listening to worship music. I started living my life in a constant state of worship and praise. I started appreciating everything and I was led to fast. So for once in my life, I obeyed God. (Ive listened before) I fasted for 3 days total. And it was the most difficult fast I have ever done. On the first night, a guy came over and said hey let's go get some Mel’s on me, (read i'm a fat broke kid I can't afford that). Do you know what I said? That sounds great but I can’t Im fasting, which led to a discussion about why I didn't need too…. Frustrating. Everyday I fasted something like that happened. And I honestly thanked God for my hunger pains, and when I felt them I prayed, God make me as hungry for you as I am for food right now. I started a devotional dedicated to fasting, in fact I'm still working on it. But by wednesday night I had gotten what God wanted me to get out of fasting because I was led to eat, my first meal? English Peas and pickles… Because well that's what I had been craving for 3 days. I could have had anything and I wanted pickles and peas. On thursday, I loaded my kids up and we went for a ride, on that ride we listened to praise music and ran into rain. We sang to the top of our lungs and we wound up driving around for like 3 hours. And on that drive I had a lot of time to think. I thought about being a single parent. I thought about past relationships. I thought about ex husbands. I thought about the two kids that I love as my own but whos life I am not a part of anymore. And that is the place and space I decided I am not submissive. Because I have a me do it attitude. For so long I have done what needed to be done relying on only a few who I have to when I have to. I've dated, but still refused to submit to any man by saying things like, I don’t ever want to live with a man because I like my space, because I don't want to have to depend on anyone, because I don't want to be rejected. So instead of getting hurt by anyone I hurt myself. I do the same thing with God. When God has something planned for me I tell Him this isn't a good idea, I'm not sure I will like it, I will fail. I refuse to submit to His will for my life. The word independent and submissive can not exist together. I can not be submissive to God's will for my life if I continue to be so headstrong and independent that God cant work in my life. I kinda had said that I wasn’t praying for a husband anymore, that I have been praying for God to prepare me to be a wife which is true in a way. But In a way I didn’t want God preparing me to be a wife, because I'll be darned if i have to listen to a man and submit to him. Im independent I don't need nobody, except my dad… and my brother…. And my mom…. And my sister…. And my kids…. And my nephews (who are quite handy when moving).  I was praying a prayer I didnt want, change me God. Make me who I am suppose to be for the man you have for me. And Hes been changing me, and I have been fighting Him the whole way, because I am not submissive. For the past week really I haven't prayed that because I started praying and praising with my lips and my heart. And I know that when I pray them with my heart and my lips, God is going to start changing me. Preparing me for what He has for me. HEs not finished with me yet. I will be praying those bold prayers again soon. But not today. Thats all for tonight. Pray for me. Specific prayers that all my temptations be removed. That I stay on this path.

A four letter word that isn't Love

We are called to obey. And honestly it has been one of the hardest things I have personally ever been called to do. God says, Alicia write. I say not now, I’m busy. God says, Alicia rest! Again I say to my all knowing all loving Father, later I’m busy. And you know what HE does? Loves me anyway. Never in His infinite grace does HE leave me or forsake me. He just loves me. A lot has happened since I last wrote. Because I keep saying not now i’m busy. Terrible. Not only have I slacked in writing, I have slacked in reading, spending time in the WORD, spending time with He who loves me. And I am still not anywhere near where I need to be. But here I am obeying. A few weeks ago on a hunch I applied for a loan, to acquire housing and I called my best friend and said I did it, let's pray. We prayed and left it in God's hands. I even told my friend there is no way I will ever be approved. Let me backtrack for a moment. At the end of last year I decided I was going to go back to school. So I applied and started the process and I kid you not every single roadblock I could hit I did. I talked to Chassity and finally after hitting what felt like a million roadblocks that I had a come to Jesus and said this is not God's timing. I have never ever in my life hit that many brick walls. I was struggling financially at that wonderful fine line of I made too much money for any assistance but barely enough to pay my bills.  I remember standing in Chassitys office and Tommy Wright was there and we all prayed together. That day changed my life, I had been semi obedient to God. But semi isn't good enough. I started talking to God A LOT.  When I have a crochet hook in my hand boy am I wearing out God's ear. But I started just listening praising Thanking for the unknown, thanking Him for the bad times. Thanking Him for everything. I started listening. So I applied for the loan told Chassity and no one else except my mom and Ella knew because she had the flu and was out of school when I went. Swore them all to secrecy!! Don't Tell!!! Anybody!!! I didn’t even want to look at houses, because I was so sure I couldn’t get one, didn’t want to get my hopes up.  Chassity didn't even tell Michael (I am totally shocked by that one) One week to the day I went and applied and threw away the thought of a loan, I received the call that would change my life! I was approved!!! I'm getting a house! 3 bedrooms for my sweet babies to have their own room!!! YAY!! Look how good God was to me!!  Everyone knows above all I value my home. My quiet place. My kids and I are in a routine it's quiet we love it, this is why I’m single. Because the thought of someone living with me terrifies me. I don't want someone in my space. So Chassity was talking to me and a situation had arose that left her sister (who I didn't like) needed a place to stay. And God whispered into my ear, open your home. Nope no way! I love you Father but this is where I draw the line. Can’t I just give them some money and make it go away? Chassity had absolutely no idea this power struggle between God and I went down because I kid you not as my brain was arguing with God, I heard my mouth say, She can stay with me. Say what? My brain and my mouth were not cooperating with each other. And Chassity said I can't ask you to do that, You know what my mouth said? My terrible mouth that is attached to my face but that was clearly not communicating with my brain said? “You didn’t ask, I offered.” As my mouth is hanging open and i'm in my head YELLING at God. Telling HIM why this is a bad idea, HE is listening but clearly not amused with my argument.. My children had a dentist appointment and she didn't want to be at my house alone, so I told chassity I would call her when I was on my way home.. I was nervous, remember I said I didn't like this girl. I had met her but really didn't know her. I just knew that God told me to love her blah blah blah… and my mouth went with God when my brain was like this is a bad idea. Fast forward a week, man HOW GOOD IS GOD? That first day was not even a bit awkward, we both expected it to be. The second day was still not awkward. It's been a week now, and I'm pretty sure the big guy knew what HE was doing. See i am anti relationship because I always said I didn't want someone in my space, so I refuse to seriously date. Because we dated for two reasons, to break up or to marry. And i knew i didn't want to get married because I didn't want to share my space. God has used my new friend and her struggles to invade my space and teach me that I do indeed need someone, that I can in fact share my space as long as I freely and openly give love. I thought it would be hard to love Beth, but it has been the opposite of hard, its like she was put on the earth to be in my life at this exact time and place. I love her, I love her sister who has been my best friend and my prayer partner. She has told me she is so grateful to have me in her life. But i am equally as grateful to have her in mine.

Till next time!