I'm a MESS

Why do I always want to write when I don't have a computer at my disposal with Internet access. I'm telling you for weeks now this has been bothering me. And it just keeps nagging so here goes. So I'm a mess. A complete and total mess there I said it. I'm a mess! You know what's beautiful about my broken mess? God still loves me! Even in my sin filled state. HE still loves me. I'm not perfect I fall short daily. A lot has occurred in the last 6 months and my RELATIONSHIP with our Father is stronger than it has ever been. I say relationship because well religion will get you no where. I can play church with the best of them. But the relationship under that religion has to be there. I'm blessed enough to be a part of a church home that isn't completely full of hypocrites, we have room for a few more, and for the friends of the hypocrite (glutton, lies, addiction) you name it bring it to the alter. Not long ago I discovered that the devil is about at the end of his rope with me! You know how? Because so much has happened. So many attacks and I've said Gods got this and got me. It's okay. I've even said to people watching me go through this. God has a purpose. Someone somewhere is watching me and seeing me be strong in faith. Well then the little snake starts telling me that I am not good enough. That God doesn't want me. And bringing up things that I haven't thought of in years. And people come out of the woodwork. Literally. People just sending me messages emails snail mail. You name it. I changed my phone number. Changed my name on Facebook to reflect the name that my mother chose for me on the day of my birth yet there are still people determined enough to seep through. Here's the message I received last night: him: Can I come see you. Me: I don't think My God or my boyfriend would appreciate that very much.  Him: I wish you would have never lost your apartment. We could still be seeing each other. (Mind you it was in sin) my reply? I said no we couldn't have God would have stopped it somehow some way. And then he said man you have changed. Not that I need someone to tell me I've changed because I know. And I have beat myself to death saying maybe I shouldn't have even responded maybe I should have ignored it. Blocked it. Let it go. And that's the problem with me. I don't face my problems. I run from them. I hide. I try to help everyone else because it's easier than dealing with the mess inside of me. A few days ago I went to my first concert. It was a gift from a friend and it was Casting Crowns and Mark Hall was telling everyone there about how EVERYBODY in church was sick but everyone was perfect because we pray if your sick but nobody ever brings their mess to church and lays it down and says church family. I am a mess. I am addicted to food (my personal issue[more on that later]) or I'm addicted to sex or I'm in serious debt or everyday daily struggles. Just mess. He said his dad was like two different people one person until he hit the church parking lot and then this other person once they hit the gravel.  He said I use to sit back and think WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!? And can we take them home with us. Because this isn't the normal everyday. We slap on a face of religion. He even said he thought it was something in the gravel so he picked up a few handfuls and sprinkled it around his house. At some point he said or I heard maybe not from Mark, worship is the opposite of praying. Praying we are asking for something. Asking for love worshiping well we are pouring out our love as long as the words aren't just lip service.  For a long time I didn't understand "worship" I was like some of these people are CRAZY with a K so KRAZY!! I'm not saying this is recent. But at one point in my younger days.. Anyway I digress. I have always loved singing music anything associated with the sounds. I took choir in school and LOVED it. I can remember clearly my first real worship service. I was barely pregnant with Noah. And it was a Pentecostal church. And I literally ran from the building scary stuff if you've just dabbled in worship. They should hand out a flyer before you walk in the church and make you sign a form saying that if any harm occurs to you the church isn't responsible. Then I moved to Texas, became a parent, and met the first preacher that would change my adult life. I was selling ad space and he bought one, and jokingly said you have to come to church if I buy this. I was interested in church but was in a town I knew no one. I told him I would come but that I wasn't going to tell him when I was coming because I didn't want him to be prepared. I wanted a real experience. And I got one and grew there I learned I bloomed I loved it. Then I moved to Arkansas. I discovered k love. Which I still dabble in secular music from time to time. But 97% of my auditory information is worship music. I sing I cry I pray. But I really didn't learn how to pray until I really really started worshiping. I poured my heart out in all the music I sang to God. (He loves the joyful NOISE) and I found that my prayer life changed. If I don't think about it I can spend hours and hours in between praising and praying. It just happens. But that's why the devil is stooping to a low with me. Because I just keep on praising. I haven't ever in my life had a "healthy" relationship based on love trust and faith. I don't know how to talk to people I'm comfortable text messaging. And I've had to learn how to talk. Like to a person. I've had to learn how to communicate my needs. I've had to learn a lot and the snake keeps saying things like:" he doesn't love you" and I have to say God loves me, and this is in Gods hands. The snake tells me a lot and makes me or try's to make me doubt myself and if I'm worthy. On 3 separate occasions he had his victory. Because I sabotaged my relationship because I believed the devils lies. I believed that no one would ever love me. I believed that not one person could ever be honest and true to me. I believed that I was ugly. I believed that I was worthless I believed  a lot.  And then the devil shrinks back when I start praising and saying my God. Is a good good father and HE says i'm good enough. It's hard when all the devil has to attack you with is yourself. Because I was already a broken horrible mess. And now I'm fighting a fight with an opponent who use to be the worship leader and is now doing everything he can to take me down with him. I cried Friday. Like bawled. The devil got close to me. I've been an emotional mess lately and my car broke down and I had a moment. It was terrible. God held me. Held on to me. My breakdown moment a few people were texting me. And encouraging me and telling me never to give up. And the devil will even use your phone or lack of signal against you. Because I didn't have a signal so I didn't get the encouraging texts until after id sucked it up and got back with God. I quit praising for one moment so the devil said I win. But he didn't. Because yes I was crying. And yes I said I can't do this anymore. But my Abba father picked me up and carried me through my pain. I never know how to end these. So this is it. 
-a beautiful mess
P.s. I'm using the "block" feature I may be a failure but I don't want to be a repeat offender.