On my Knees

You know there are times in life that you will look back on and be like, WOW I so wish that I could have known then what I know now? Happens to the best of us. For the past few weeks, songs have been following which if you know me, happens quite frequently. God often speaks to me through music. For the longest it was the Prodigal, the story, the song everywhere it followed me, I even reached out to my spiritual advisor and said I feel like He is trying to tell me something. Truth of the matter is there was/is an area of my life where I struggle with the Christian walk. Its constant and the devil knows it, and there by the temptation is overwhelming. A lot has been going on in my life. I literally am at a fork in the road. In the summer, I made an impromptu trip to North West Arkansas and wound up finding a job there and wanting to be there. I wanted better for my life, I wanted better for my kids. I can’t be faulted for that. Was I living for God? No. Was I sinning? No. But a wise woman once told me if you aren’t drawing nearer to God you are pulling away. Fast forward, we come “home” to visit for the fourth of July and for whatever reason I go to my home church and I am in tears the whole time I am there, my father in Christ literally just held me and said I can’t make the decision for you, but you know what you need to do. I am famous for saying, my kids didn’t hate it there, and they didn’t. Did they miss home? Yes. But that happens. All in all we were not miserable. We were content. But, I folded and stayed home so to speak. I had a job that I liked; my kids were taken care of. Then I come back here. To no job, no money. Really it sucked. Was at an all time low for me. I have done nothing but complain. Because it’s miserable having that fear how will I feed my kids? How will I get them to school? It’s an endless mess.  To top it off, I got into a fight with my best friend, and it sucks. I feel all alone, we were both at fault both messed up. But it just sucks. I am lonely. Not like the oh I’m single lonely that I can handle. I am incredibly alone, I know I’m not. But it feels that way. The relationship is mending, but it isn’t the same. In any event I digress, back to the subject. If it could happen, it has happened. I was without a job, finally got a job, that I don’t like, I was constantly complaining until someone knocked some sense into me, yes it sucks but it could be worse. Yes I cried constantly that I didn’t know how I was going to feed my kids, it’s a hard situation to be self reliant then be knocked to your knees and having to swallow your pride to ask for help.  The song “Just Be Held” by Casting crows starts out: Hold it a together, everybody needs you strong, Life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on. When you’re tired of fighting and chained by your control there’s freedom in surrender,  Lay it down and let it go, when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away you’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held. Your worlds not falling apart its falling into place, I’m on the throne stop holding on and JUST BE HELD. The whole song basically is all about laying it down, life totally sucks. Answers do seem so far away, so one day I’m going to be looking back at this day and have an Ahh Haa moment, and so now I’m saying, I know that this moment is God designed. It’s not pretty but its mine, and HE loves me. So somewhere no matter how far away I will begin to swim again and stop sinking. But for now…… I’m not sinking, I’m floating on the only One who knows the outcome of this trial. So, if you have time. Pray for me. Earnestly pray for me. Say my name, and don’t pray for the end, Praise Him for holding my head above water, and splashing water on my face as He is teaching me how to swim again. I am listening to this song on repeat. I have been since about 10, I can’t sleep. I have to work tomorrow; this is me on my knees.