Control Freak

I have a confession; this may or may not come as a shock to you. I am a control freak! A few months ago, Marcus and I had nursery together and somehow the conversation came up as to why I am single, he said YOU ARE A CONTROL FREAK. What did I do? Very angrily I defended myself; I am not a control freak. He said yes, yes you are. There it’s out! It has taken me months to come to terms with this. I don’t know why but this blog post has been plaguing me for a few weeks and I just don’t know what to type. I’m confident that God has a purpose for having me start this. So pardon me while I let word vomit spew from my fingers. As I am typing this my daughter is putting make up on me. And Noah is in his own little world—rearranging his room. For some reason, a part of the bible has really been nudging at me, calling out begging me to read it: Ephesians 5:22 ²² Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. This doesn’t say: Wives, forget who you are and lose every part of you, or Wives let your husband. It says love your husband as unto the Lord. It goes on and instructs husbands how to treat your wives. My biggest issue is I have been a single for so long, I find it hard to submit. Even when its God’s will. I find myself questioning God. We have conversations. Loud ones. They usually go something like this.

Me: I’m not so sure about this.

God: Child I wouldn’t have put you here if it weren’t for you.

M: What if I fail?

M: What if I sink?

M: What if I get hurt?

G: Seriously

This continues.

Then, finally after I admit defeat.

I do what I was asked to do in the first place.

It’s human nature. To question, to ponder to not want to comply. Eve rebelled. So it’s my nature right. Why does this plague me??? I find it so true. I am a control freak. My house has been a wreck for the better part of a week. Mainly because I rejoined the real world and have a job again.  Nothing is where it goes. I can’t find this or that. I’m use to my order. My perfect well controlled order. AND BLAM nothing is where its suppose to be. And I can barely function. I’m miserable, I can’t sleep, and I run around like a chicken with my head off. One of these days I will get my crap together and get back on top of things. That day is not today... hahahaha… Well it partly is. I came home cleaned my living room did the dishes did a load of laundry, (after I rewashed the same one I washed yesterday, that didn’t get dry). I fed my kids, and they are about to get a bath! I’m not a total failure today. The whole point of this was just for me to vent. I have a problem. I want to control every aspect of my life, and I can’t. I don’t have a divine hand to control any outside factors. I don’t have the ability to stop life and clean my house. I have to make it work. I have recently been reminded that life is fragile. And no one is promised a tomorrow. I’m practicing the relish today part. A week ago... I yelled at N for playing guitar. Because let’s face it a kid learning an instrument can be daunting and you get sick of hearing it its loud and I have ADHD I get distracted to easily. A week ago, I didn’t let E play with make up on my face, or her face for that matter. A week ago, well maybe three Brea did Es make up and she no lie looked like a bear. And I was embarrassed! We had to go into a store like that, what will people think? My kid looks like a bear that I don’t care about because I just let her go in the store like that. I freaked out. Amanda got onto me and said that’s how they learn. My thought was yea easy for you to say, your kid doesn’t look like a bear. She doesn’t have anything on her face. It looks like you love her. Did I say it? No will she read this? I hope so she’s my bestie. Do I need to apologize for my thought? Yes.  Have I learned from it? Yes! I guess this is it for the night.

Grief and Noah

 Noah doesn't process like I do. He's different. It's not bad, it's just different. Today I had to deliver the news that his first grade teacher had an accident and went to be with Jesus. Now this isn't the first loss he has ever experienced, and it won't be the last. Each time I have had to deliver this message I get a different response. Today he just stood there. And since he's my child I saw the look in his face. I knew what was about to happen but I was powerless to stop it. He was frozen. Time stood still. He finally went to his room to what I thought was play guitar. He picked some but then I hear quiet... Too quiet, he had shut the door. When I walked in he was sitting there quietly. I told him it's ok to cry. It's ok to know you will miss her and that you love her Ella was being completely insensitive and that made our situation worse! Noah and I were both crying. Talking about Jesus and Mrs Lindsey. If you know Noah at all, school was a huge challenge. He struggled in Kindergarden (before autism dx) but we were fortunate that our second year he got the same teacher so his 2nd year went a lot better. He doesn't cope with change to well. He's getting better. 1st grade started and he had Mrs Edwards and Mrs Lindsey was a student teacher in the class. Mrs Edwards had to take over a different class and somehow by some small miracle Noah loved Lindsey. He didn't have a single problem with the transition. It was still a pretty rough year tho. Lindsey stood by him though and loved him and us and helped us grow. It is now after 9 and my sweet boy is still upset. Understandably. He said momma she didn't get to do anything. She was so young. I said Noah she taught you. She helped shape you, and develop you. She did some of the best work that can be done and she loved it. No matter how much you say: she's in a better place, it doesn't take away the hurt, the pain, the tears. It's in your darkest hour you let people see the light inside you. I pray for her family in the days coming and I hope you do as well. In the meantime let this serve as a reminder make every moment count. Strive to not be so critical and show love to everyone you encounter. I myself held my babies a little tighter tonight. And made it a point to make sure the last thing they hear me say tonight is nothing but good from me, nothing but love. Every moment is precious and not guaranteed. Make the most of it.