Blessed

Tonight I am sitting here and I am overwhelmed with emotions. Today I quit fighting God and signed up for something I DO NOT WANT TO DO! But God wants me to. As proof by the fact that several people who didn't know I was struggling with this told me Be a Leader. I am by nature a "follower" I do not do well with conflict. Today, I Shelly Mitleff spoke with the pastor at my church home and am going to be the Nursery Coordinator. No big deal right? Here's the cinch I joined Cornerstone about 12 months ago. I said I will help anywhere you need me, just not in the nursery. I have OCD I do not like sticky kids. Babies are sticky if not properly cared for. My babies didn't have snot running down their faces and such I was their mother I kept it clean, and I didn't take them anywhere when they were sick that thy could spread germs. My biggest nightmare is giant sucker covered runny nosed baby's chasing me (go ahead laugh) sticky nasty messy! YUCK! Earlier this week I fasted, and in that time I truly felt God. I intimately spoke to and sat for hours just praising His glory and waiting for a response. I got what I needed. And so I took this task I do not want but that today I fell in love with. In Texas I was over tiny tots for a brief period and I loved it until I got burned out which is what happens when you become over something and haven't learned to delegate responsibility. Pray for me I've done a lot of spiritual growing since that time. I've also learned I'm not super woman and I can't do it all. I am able to rely on others now where as 7 years ago I wasn't. Today after church and after my joyful stint in the nursery where by the way there are NO babies because the babies mom's keep them in the sanctuary with them. We have at least 4 new baby's and they all stay with moms. I have a bunch of toddlers which is fine. But today my beat friend took me Ella and Noah on an outing. I had prearranged for Noah to go with his Uncle, my brother. Ella and I went to a broadway style theatre performed by Wynne High School students. It was about Cinderella. To say I was amazed is the least of this. I have in my adult life been to Disney on Ice a few times whole living in Dallas, and never before have I been so impressed an blown away at these young peoples abilities. The play was SPECTACULAR. But that's not the best part. After the play they let everyone kinda just "mingle" around and meet the actors. My daughter goes straight for the girl playing Cinderella. They were at the back of the stage we could get a picture "Cinderella" sees our plight and brings Brea and Ella up front holding their hands and lets us get a picture. Ella is in complete and utter awe, we see a few more actresses and leave. We are all hungry so go to the Mexican place and as we are leaving Cinderella walks in, in regular everyday clothes. Ella spots her and has to talk to her one last time the princess hugs Ella. We are walking to the car and as we are getting into the car the "prince" walks by Ella delighted says CINDERELLA is in there, without missing a beat this kid said : "I know, I am going after her" Ella's jaw drops and he hugs both girls. It was AMAZING!! Then we go get Noah from my bro. My amazing brother tells Noah don't forget to tell mama what all we did. Noah gave me a brief synopsis of what happened we get home his can opens and he starts spilling all this details that I am no sure I'm suppose to know. Because Uncle time is man time. Things happen in that time that sometimes mommy doesn't need to know. He is a little chatter box tells me Uncle took him and got a happy meal which is the highlight of my kids life literally he will do ANYTHING for a happy meal toy... He had told me thy went and saw a movie so he gave me all the details of the movie, and then says momma my belly hurts. I think I ate too much junk food. At this point I'm like what all did Uncle give you. He says candy. I ask how much candy. You get my point. He decides to be done talking about his tummy. He says to me uncle said that was really fun and we are gonna go to the movies all this summer. That's all I want to do he says well no I want to go swimming one time. But the rest of the time I want to be with Uncle. Now since we moved to Harrisburg his uncle time has been minimum. And his tiny statement and the joy in his eyes brought tears to my eyes. My children don't have a "dad" and I have steadfastly said they don't need one. And my reasoning? Uncle one word. One person. He may not be a "dad" but he steps up with my kids and loves them. Yes that's his "job" as an uncle. But not to the extent that he goes. Noah and Uncle have a bond, an Ella and uncle have a bond. I texted my brother just to say thank you and he said: "thanks sis I had fun too, I love y'all so much, I don't know what I did for The Lord to bless me with y'all" where's the tissue when I need it? See I have the unique ability to be both a little and big sister, I was blessed with someone to spoil me, and someone to spoil. My brother has always been my rock. If my car messes up the first person I call is Bubba. That's right I will be 32 on Tuesday and to this day I still address my brother a Bubba. If my heart is broken. I call bubba. If I want someone beat up I call bubba. And when I'm crying and so upset I can't breath and it's the middle of the night and I want to go home I call him. And he picks me up and drys my tears and tells me it's gonna be ok. I am going to bed tonight raw and overwrought with emotions.  Sleep tight my friends.

My Rant

It’s been coming; I don’t know where to start. My great aunt passed away. I found my prayer journal. I’m at the point of mental breakdown. Someone not naming names but someone had a tantrum in the dollar store the other day, so embarrassed I wound up having to carry said child out over my shoulder. With the patrons of the dollar store boring holes in my body, oh dear look there’s that crappy mom, can’t even control her kid. Then there’s the guy who stole my heart at the tender age of 19 who told me all my kid needed was a butt whooping, don’t you think in the 9 years since I gave birth I’ve spanked him more than a few times. I want a NORMAL kid. Like Ella. She minds. She behaves. How did I mess up so horribly with one but the other is fine? You’d think if it was my parenting style that they would both be as equally bad. So hi my name is Shelly, and I am the crap mom. I feel like a failure more than 99 percent of the time! I sometimes feel like even my best isn’t enough. And I’m sure you really read this blog to hear me complain about how I feel. It’s the truth bone cutting deep truth. I am trying to grow as a Christian. Because well my only hope is in the Lord. I go to church. I go to class, I volunteer, I listen dutifully to the pastor preach, I sing the songs. I participate in church. BUT do I participate in a personal relationship with God? I try I talk to God on a daily, hourly, sometimes by the second. Depending on how bad of a day it has been. But I don’t “study” in the bible. Why? Where do I start? The bible is an infinite book full of knowledge. Now my son has all his problems I have my own. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I have a pretty good memory, I have ADHD I am probably the most active FAT person you will ever meet.  And I have no idea where to start. There is not a dummies guide to the Bible or an Idiots relationship with God. (That I know of) it’s a great idea though. Someone should market that. Here lately, probably because this is a story that I have heard a lot about the woman at the well. I won’t lie. I don’t always LIKE being single. I put on a brave face and insist to everyone I meet that I have a normal functioning family without a man. I try to instill in my children that they don’t need anyone but me and of course God, I tell my kids that God is their father and they were created for a reason. With a purpose for each of them and as long as God and I love them. They don’t need anyone else’s approval. Meanwhile here I am the woman at the well I have been married twice. I am still currently legally wed. My last name should be Smith. But I didn’t change my name because I got married out of spite. I got pregnant with my son out of wedlock. He is a product of my sin. I was married to my daughter’s father, but he insisted that I had to have been cheating because she was not his. At current I don’t speak to either of my children’s donors. I have dated but not with the intent to get married. I say I am tired of being single. But am I really ready to have a CHRIST centered relationship?  I can’t afford a divorce right now. But as soon as the extra money rolls in I will get one. I struggle with the fact that I am unemployed and the what ifs of life. What if for whatever reason the check doesn’t hit the bank on the first and I have no way to provide for my family because I don’t have a job. I feel worthless. I need prayers, big prayers to ease my discontent and know that I am never without God always provides what we need. Maybe not what we WANT always but what we have to have to live.And I am open to "studying suggestions! ok go"