Breathe this is gonna be a long one as it should be since its been 25 forevers since I have written anything. If you have been keeping up with me on Facebook you will know that over the summer, I made a 4.5 hour move to NorthWest Arkansas. I now reside in Siloam Springs, AR. This is a story of transformation and change.
I remember sitting at a desk. I had been lost in depression and felt like I was all alone in the world. What many of you do not know is that a while back I wrote a post about being the woman at the well. For 4.5 years I lived in sin as the “other woman” of a married man. I knew I was sinning. I knew it was wrong but depression, anxiety and just who I am convinced me that I loved this man. And despite the sin it had to be ok. Now judge me if you will most of you know I don't care anyway. I WAS MISERABLE, my kids were miserable. I was caught between a rock in a hard place. Not being able to find and keep a job, because typical Shelly takes care of everyone but Shelly. Not anymore.
I have had a dream job for a while. I absolutely love love love phone sales.
I also absolutely love Truck Drivers.
Marry the two and you get my dream job.
I remember sitting at a desk being miserable. Making outbound cold calls for basically no money. I have always struggled with depression and a dear friend ask me: Shelly if you had a job making $20 an hour there would you be happy? I said no. I wasn't happy. Every single bill i had was past due and i was stretched so thin I couldn't stand it. Enter the DREAM job. This friend said hey you would be great at this job. It would mean a move, and leaving my roots.
I have tried this before and failed.
I failed because I let my peers convince me I was going to fail. I remember telling my Friend Angie that I wanted to apply for and if I got the job I wanted to take it. That would mean moving, leaving my Grandma that I had lived next to for the past 3 years. Away from my parents, my brother, my sister, my nephews, and my best friends. But it also meant ending a long term adulterous relationship. Angie called me a few days after I revealed my feelings to her, She said God wants you to know that FEAR IS A LIAR. Now it's no coincidence that that song had just came out. I prayed and prayed and prayed and begged God to send me a sign before Angie told me this. I was at the end of my rope and she knew it. So I prayed for God to open doors. That if this was what HE wanted me to do to make it to where I literally could not say no. The stage is set and the ball is in HIS court. I say “your move”. And then just do nothing. I think about it. Talk about it. Apply for the job. They decline me based on my location. BUT I didn't give up. I want more for my kids. I find out that there's a job waiting on me at a daycare I literally just have to show up. I'm still not sold, i need somewhere to stay, boom that's taken care of. What about money. That gets taken care of. What about Granny, she's done fell and needs more care now than she has and Ive been doing it. Boom in comes Tiffany, every single objection I could come up with to not relocate is like nope not happening you're not giving up this time. I start thinking about this and thinking a change may not be bad. Its summer what's the worst that can happen. I decided before I even left harrisburg, AR that Shelly would die to this world. She would no longer exist because Shelly didn't have a backbone and was gullible and would do anything for anyone. YES i was strong and independent and resourceful. But mentally and physically I WAS A MESS!!! So enter stage left is Ali. A shortened version of Alica. I decided Ali was going to be better, do better, strive to be greater. Be a better parent and just a better human. Do I still have some residual Shelly residue? Yep, but one thing is for sure I will never 100 be Shelly again. So if I correct you with the name, just know I am trying to be a better me. And Most of the time I just answer to it.
Until Next time,
Ali
