So, I have never officially said what’s wrong with Noah.
Mainly because I feel like it’s my fault. With each new diagnosis, comes more
guilt. Maybe if I had not have had that one night stand, maybe if I hadn’t
considered giving him up for adoption (yes this is legit something I
considered) I was young and in a bad place. I didn’t think I could take care of
a child. Maybe just maybe if I had net gotten sucked into my exs web of lies, maybe
if he hadn’t beat the dog snot out of me when I was pregnant. Maybe If my body
was healthy , Maybe if I wasn’t so fat, maybe if diabetes didn’t run so rampant
in my family, maybe if my blood pressure would cooperate. Maybe if my kidneys didn’t
try and shut down at 7 months preggo. Maybe if we hadn’t induced labor, maybe
if I hadn’t been in labor for 24+ grueling hours, maybe if my water hadn’t been
broke for so long before he was born. I’m filled with MAYBES. Once I had
decided to keep Noah I read everything I could get my hands on about pregnancy
and child birth and the natural ways and I legit tried to bring a healthy happy
child into this world drug free. My body rejected my plan. After 24 hours of
labor I had to have an emergency C-Section. Noah was born pre term he was 6
weeks early. And he was SICK! He stayed in the NICU for 3 days. They couldn’t get
an IV started so had to remove his umbilical clip and start an IV in his belly
button. He couldn’t regulate his body temp. He couldn’t regulate his sugar levels.
And he was jaundiced. I went into shock after the operation. Physically. I was
sick. When I finally reentered this world, they took me to my room. I hadn’t seen
my little baby boy. Then this foreign dr that I have never met comes to my room
to discuss my options, OPTIONS?? Do what you have to to make my baby well. He
explained to me that my son was sick. That I wouldn’t be able to see him for a
few days. Because I just had an operation and they couldn’t take my bed to
where my baby was. To utterly shock the man I said I will get up I WANT TO SEE
MY BABY!! I insisted they get me a wheel chair I was advised not to leave the
bed. Women don’t get up 4 hours after an old school c-section like that. I was
cut up and down. Yet what did I do? I got up. I pushed myself harder than I ever
have. I walked a bit. Mom would push me a bit. Finally I reached my sweet baby.
I couldn’t hold him I could only touch him. But I did it and I did it every two
hours for the rest of our hospital stay. That first night I talked to God and I
promised him things that He knew I wasn’t going to do. Yet he still saw fit to
make my baby better, Noah began improving, shocking the drs and nurses. What should
have been a 3 week NICU stay was a 3 Day stay. We went home... I got sick, had
a 25% chance of living. That’s another post though. Fast forward to today. I
have an awesome 9 year old you thus far has been diagnosed with the following:
- Seizure Disorder (non-epileptic)
- Severe Developmental Delays
- ADHD
- Autism (latest)
Now ADHD is a “side effect” of Autism as I have learned, and
I read an article that inducing labor (which is what was done) can cause
Autism. Yet again ways I have failed my son. I caused this. I feel at fault. While
I realize my list is short. It could be longer. I’m sure I’m not putting
everything on this list. There’s more it’s just insignificant. I’m told, a
woman can’t raise a boy alone. He won’t be right. Well yea ok whatever doubt
me, hate me, and judge me. NO I can’t raise a boy alone? Why because I can’t
take him fishing? Oh wait I do that. Because I can’t teach him about cars?
Wait, yes I can. And What I don’t know my dad knows or my brother knows.
Because I can’t teach him to be a “proud black man”? WHAT THE CRAP I’m going to
say it. My son is not a “nigga” he’s not a “brotha” he’s my son. He will be a
proud man. Not a hateful individual who thinks he needs to blame others for his
short comings. Because I can’t teach him to play football? I have friends.
Because I can’t do this or I can’t do that. Blah blah blah excuses. I am
raising my son. I’m not saying it’s easy. But I’m doing it. And I’m learning to
not blame myself. That’s the HARDEST part of all this. Is not placing blame
where it doesn’t belong. I didn’t do this. I didn’t cause my son to have
issues. I do however decide how to deal with it. And I choose to support his
disabilities, and encourage him to be a fully functioning person. Yea sometimes
we are socially awkward and withdrawn. Yea he might walk around pacing in front
of the church (nobody seems to mind there) yea he might be abnormally obsessed
with certain things. But at the end of the day. He’s mine! He’s me! He blows me
a huge kiss as he walks off to school. And I thank God for the mountains we
have climbed. And for mountains we have yet to climb. With Noah by my side,
nothing can be wrong. And when we finally meet that person who’s meant to be in
our lives forever. They will understand that Noah isn’t your normal everyday
little boy. He’s different he’s special and he is so totally worth it! Up until this point my life hasnt been perfect, hasnt been a walk in the par, Im raising my son with a solid foundation built on Gods word. Am I doing it right? not perfectly, But im sure trying!!
Much love to my readers
Shelly
